


Ashes, Ashes

by grandsequel (Yunho)



Category: Dong Bang Shin Ki, JYJ - Fandom, K-pop
Genre: Angels, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Wingfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-22
Updated: 2012-06-21
Packaged: 2017-11-08 07:07:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/440503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yunho/pseuds/grandsequel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In his darkest hour, facing ultimate despair and uncertainty, Jung Yunho abandons his attempt to end his life to instead prevent another would-be suicide. The man he saves, Jaejoong, claims he's an angel sent to help Yunho and vows to stick by Yunho's side and help him recover everything he's lost. What happens after their fortuitous meeting is a journey about finding and accepting himself, something Yunho, until now, has feared. Loosely based on the 2005 French film, Angel-A. Written for DBSK Big Bang 2011</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I - Je ne Crois pas aux Miracles: I don’t Believe in Miracles

**Author's Note:**

> Much love to riseofnoona for giving me the idea for this story after introducing to me to one of her favorite French movies. Many themes and ideas in this story are borrowed from the film. Anything recognizable is not mine and I make no claims on it.
> 
> I feel like I should mention also that I don’t mean to glorify suicide in any way. I won’t get into my personal beliefs on the matter, but this is a very serious topic which should be approached as such. While writing this story, I had no intention of trying to romanticize suicide. If you have an issue with any element of this story, you can of course approach me about it but please note that everything in this is utterly pure fiction.
> 
> That all said, thank you Rae for being there for me when I went through troubles of my own; Maple for providing the coffee I needed to stay up writing this; Mengqiao for giving me a place to sleep when I needed it; Jess for holding my hand every step of the way and forcing me to finish this even when I bitched and said I couldn’t do it; Hoon for teaching me about bridges; Hana for teaching me about love; my tlist for the comforting words after all the shit that went down in the past few weeks; and finally, to all those who read this, thank you so much. To my supporters and readers—you mean the world to me. To the wankers—thanks for sticking around to read 30k of fic. :P
> 
> \- N ♥

Just before Yunho hits the water he finds himself thinking about how he’ll have to try again tomorrow. Or maybe in an hour. Not that he wants to put it off but just that he should at least make sure the other guy is safe before going off on his own and ending his own life, right? Right. So Yunho hits the water with an explosion of sound and he finds the fallen boy and pulls him up by his shirt and struggles under the weight of the other body as he swims back to shore, or in this case, the edge of the river.  
  
He drags the body out of the water onto the cement ground and pushes the boy onto his back. He doesn’t stop to think as he begins CPR, the tiny chest feeling like it’s breaking under his hands as he gives chest compressions, the lips cold and wet as he gives mouth-to-mouth. The blonde boy he saved eventually opens his mouth and splutters up mouthful after mouthful of water before collapsing back on the ground and heaving, eyes blinking open and finding Yunho’s face. He smiles at Yunho but Yunho doesn’t smile back, he just blinks and wonders what to say. What  _do_  you say to someone who’s just tried to kill himself?  _I hope you’re okay, I’ll be going now, try not to off yourself again anytime soon_?  
  
“I knew you’d save me,” the kid says, voice husky. Yunho continues to blink at him. “Good thing, too. Otherwise you’d be dead as well.”  
  
Back up. Let’s start two weeks back, when Yunho’s life sucked, but wasn’t as strange as this.  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
Without fail the clock on Yunho’s wall chimes at every hour. And it doesn’t give a simple melody or a tiny chime. It gives a bird call. Twelve different birds for every hour, twelve different calls. Of course he can change the volume of the call and of course if he really wanted to Yunho could turn the calls off entirely. But he doesn’t. As strange as it may seem, Yunho’s grown used to the bird chimes. Even when it’s one, two, three am and he has little chirps sounding in his room—Yunho doesn’t really mind. His aunt gave him that clock and since she passed away, Yunho doesn’t have the heart nor the desire to silence the music as thoroughly as his beloved aunt’s life has been silenced.  
  
At two in the afternoon Yunho hears the sound of a tiny parakeet singing in his room. It’s not his favorite bird call but he does find it to be the one of the sweetest. Soft and high, gentle; only a few seconds long. Lying on his bed with his back against the headboard and his ankles crossed in front of him, Yunho heaves a deep sigh and continues leafing through the photobook in his hands. It’s one of his most prized possessions. A book of his best photographs that he’d taken in photography class last year, put together by his professor and given to him as a parting gift.  
  
 _“Someday you’re gonna be famous kid. And I’m gonna have the pleasure of knowing I was the first to recognize your talent.”  
  
“Thanks professor, that means a lot to me.”  
  
“Really Yunho. You’ve got so much talent, don’t bottle it up and let it sit there. Make something of it. Make something of yourself.”_  
  
As the words replay in his mind, coming unbidden to his thoughts, Yunho can’t help but scoff and turn to the last page.  _Something of myself? I’m something alright._  He stares at the last photograph in the book, a simple shot of a garden taken last September. He and his professor had driven out of the city for nearly an hour to find the perfect setting of his last project. If Yunho were asked he’d say that was one of his favorite moments. Even if the pictures weren’t the greatest he’d ever taken, it had been one of the few times he’d felt absolutely in his element. Carefree, unstressed— _happy_.  
  
That time is over now. He closes the book and sets it aside next to him. Closing his eyes, he breathes slowly and tries not to think about anything. Only the gentle lull of the quiet spring breeze coming in through the open window; only the soft comforter beneath his body; only the black encasing his vision and hiding him from everything in the world he doesn’t want to think about.   
  
He feels guilty though, the longer he does nothing but lay there. Guilty because he should be out looking for a job. Guilty because he hasn’t left his room to do anything but go to the bathroom and eat in almost two days. Guilty because he knows he needs to call his parents soon and let them know he’ll be over for dinner like just like every Sunday.   
  
But instead he just lies there.  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
He knows he’s not the best looking guy in the world. At best he would consider himself average, on average he considers himself ugly. His hair is a spiked mess, long and going down to his shoulders while at the top his hair spikes out in all directions. His face is a little pudgy from one too many pastries and lack of exercise. His teeth are a little crooked, a little pointed. As far as 24 year olds go, Jung Yunho isn’t what many would consider a ‘catch’ but most of the time Yunho’s able to ignore all that. Most of the time.  
  
He dresses in his nice clothes, or at least, clothes that are nicer than what he usually wears. His mom is a stickler for the details and anything from a wrinkle on his jacket sleeve to an unnecessary crease in his pants to a button undone on his shirt will set her off. So he takes care to ensure everything, attire wise, looks good. On the other hand, his dad is under the impression that the face is what matters most, since, according to him, _the face says it all and Yunho, yours is as open as a ripped book with its pages strewn about._  So Yunho shaves his face, making sure not a single whisker of hair is to be found, and he brushes his teeth (twice), puts a little cologne on, and combs his hair, using a touch of gel in hopes of taming the wild locks, though that proves to be unsuccessful.  
  
When Yunho looks himself in the bathroom mirror, he can’t help but feel like he’s about to go out on a date. He’d get this dressed up for one, right? If he were ever lucky enough to land a date maybe. He shakes his head at himself, sticking his tongue out at his reflection. He tries to smile at himself, thinking of his old photography professor telling him,  _Smile Yunho, it transforms your face_. And the smile almost immediately drops, cheeks puffed out in a disappointed pout. Who’s he kidding? A smile isn’t going to transform this mess.  
  
With a sigh Yunho turns the light off and leaves the bathroom, slipping his feet into a pair of loafers and grabbing his coat, wallet, and car keys. He waves hello to some of his apartment neighbors as he passes them in the hall walking to the lift. They smile at him, expecting a smile back but Yunho, remembering the ugly face that had stared back at him in the mirror, quells the urge to smile and instead just nods his head at them, giving a quiet hello before caging himself safely inside the lift.  
  
When he finally sits in his car, he makes sure, for the umpteenth time, that his attire is still neat, clean, and perfect. If nothing else, it has to remain up to his mother’s standards. His mother’s standards are pretty high.  
  
Dinner with his parents isn’t ever out in a nice fancy restaurant, it’s just at his parent’s house. His mother usually cooks a grand meal, though occasionally they decide to order something from outside, though those times his parents usually call ahead of time and tell him to dress more casually. Driving to the house now, Yunho can’t help but feel a ball of nervousness form in his stomach, something very close to dread with a generous helping of anxiety. He bites the inside of his cheek and takes several deep breaths, trying to calm himself. It’s just his parents, after all.  
  
He has to drive out of the city, not too long, only a half hour or so, but it gives him plenty of time to think. Most of the time it’s an activity Yunho tries to avoid. Thinking leads to misery and his mind provides a pound of misery for every ounce of incomplete thought.  
  
It’s easier instead to focus on the scenery. This late on a Sunday, around 7:30, not many people are on the road with him. It’s just him, his beat up old Toyota, and the empty road ahead of him. The street is lined with trees and houses, neighborhood after neighborhood falling behind him as he drives to one in particular.   
  
Sometimes when he’s driving he can’t help but wish he’d brought his camera to take pictures of this world. Sure he’s  _lived_  here, has experienced so much of this place in so many ways—not all good, a lot of them bad—but all around him are familiar places, worn out from time passed and heavy under the weight of too many sick memories. Yunho yearns to take a camera and capture everything. To show people on the inside how their world looks from the outside.   
  
Before he knows it, Yunho sees his parent’s house looming ahead on the right. His feels his heart rate pick up, the ball of anxiousness suddenly tightening and he has to remind himself his fears are unfounded and silly. What’s the worst that could possibly happen at his parent’s? It’s not like this dinner will be any worse than all the other dinners he’s had to have with them in the past.   
  
He parks in the driveway and turns the car off but doesn’t get out immediately. There are, essentially, two ways tonight will turn out. Either Yunho will go in there, talk a little with his parents, have them tell him how much they wish he would find a secure a job, settle down with someone, find a nice place to live, all while not so subtly implying how much they hate his current lifestyle, or, things will suddenly be better, his parents will tell him how proud of him they are, praise him for his latest commission, and Yunho may just go home tonight not feeling like the loser he knows he really is.  
  
Scratch that. There’s only one way tonight is going to play out, and it certainly isn’t that idealistic way.  
  
Steeling himself, Yunho closes his eyes and tries to think positively.  _These are your parents. You can do this. Just remember that they love you and only want what’s best. Don’t snap at mom, don’t argue with dad, and just smile and nod when they both nitpick at your life choices._  Easier said than done.  
  
He goes in through the garage, knowing it’s always kept open (aside from at night of course, when his parents lock all the doors and arm the security system). “Mom! Dad! I’m here!” he calls out. His mother immediately finds him at the door, having come from the kitchen.  
  
“Yunho, sweetheart you’re a little early,” are the first words out of her mouth, but they’re softened by the hug she gives him. He smiles into her shoulder, having to bend down to hug her.  
  
“Yeah, I left a little early,” he explains.  
  
“You didn’t speed here, did you? You have to be careful on the roads, especially at night. Maybe your dad should—”  
  
“Mom, really, it’s okay. I didn’t speed here, I promise,” he says. “Where’s dad?”  
  
“Watching the news in the living room. Why don’t you go join him? The rice will be done soon and then we can eat.”  
  
“Okay. You need any help setting the table?”  
  
“Wow, you’re offering to set the table? This must’ve been a good day for you. But that’s okay, I got it, just go say hi to your dad first.”  
  
Just as his mother had said, Yunho finds his dad in the living room watching the news. He’s so engrossed in the report that he doesn’t seem to notice Yunho’s presence until he’s settled down on the couch beside him. Only then does his dad look to his side and smile at him.  
  
“Ah Yunho, you’re a little early.”  
  
Yunho gives a small smile. “So I’ve been told. Is it really that shocking that I can arrive early someplace?”  
  
“Actually yes. You have a habit of setting your clocks five minutes ahead and coming ten minutes late.”  
  
With a self-deprecating laugh, Yunho leans back on the couch and tries to get comfortable. He’s not interested in whatever his dad’s watching but there’s no way he can ask to change the channel. “Well, just goes to show that I can surprise you.”  
  
“Mhm. You’re certainly full of surprises Yunho. Just usually not good ones.”  
  
Before Yunho can reply, his mother calls them both back to the kitchen to eat.   
  
“So Yunho, how was your week? Anything big happen?” his mother asks him when they’re finally all settled at the table. She begins spooning food onto their plates before handing Yunho and his father a plate each.  
  
Yunho drinks deeply from his glass of water before answering. “Not really, to be honest. Well, nothing aside from the usual.”  
  
“Any luck finding a job?”  
  
“I sent out more applications,” he answers stiffly. Already they’ve come to his most hated topic of conversation.  
  
“Oh? And where have you applied?”  
  
“Just different places. You wouldn’t be interested in them mom.”  
  
“Well it doesn’t really matter if I’d be  _interested_  in them Yunho, what’s important is if any of these jobs will be able to pay your rent.”  
  
“And your…hobbies,” his dad chimes in. Yunho hears the way he hesitates over the word hobbies and he knows exactly what his dad is thinking.  
  
“The photography thing pays for itself dad. I just need a job to pay for food and rent.”  
  
“And clothes,” his mother adds.  
  
“And clothes.”  
  
“But really Yunho, please tell me you’ve found something worthwhile?”  
  
“By your definition of worthwhile, I probably haven’t.” Yunho wishes they would let the conversation drop at that, but he should have known better. His parents grill him for several minutes longer, repeatedly asking him where he applied for jobs, how much money he has in his bank account, ‘suggesting’ he apply to graduate school to get a  _real_  degree. Yunho has heard all of this before and after years of this same conversation, he’s gotten good at nodding his head and letting his silence appease his parents’ weary nagging. All things considered though, Yunho regards the night as a somewhat okay. No screaming or crying, at any right. That’s a success in his opinion.  
  
When he’s driving home again, late that night, he wonders at how easily his parents can fill him with so much guilt. Sure he’s doing what he wants to do, sort of—trying desperately to land any photography gig he can—but he’s not  _happy_. He thinks he should be. At the very least he should be filled with a little more satisfaction but that’s hard to feel when his parents never miss an opportunity to remind him, discreetly of course, how much of a failure his life has amounted into. He’s a waste of a degree, as they like to say.  
  
Lying in bed that night, Yunho wishes not for the first time that he could be someone his parents are proud of. Hell, he wishes he was someone  _he_  could be proud of.  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
The last straw comes when, three days later, Yunho’s mom calls him to tell him she’s arranged a casual meeting between him and one of her friend’s daughters. As he grips his cell phone tightly, listening to his mother rattle on and on about how lovely of a girl she is, Yunho can’t decide whether to be angry beyond belief or just stand there in stupefied silence. In the end, he’s a combination of both. Finally, after what feels like ages, he sits down on his couch and leans back heavily, closing his eyes against the harsh world.  
  
“Mom,” he interrupts her. “Mom!”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Answer me honestly, okay?” He hopes she doesn’t hear his hitch of breath. “Do you and dad consider me that much of a failure that you don’t think I can get a girl for myself?”  
  
His mother sighs over the line, he hears at as clearly as if he’d just sighed himself. “It’s not that we think you’re a failure Yun. You just…well you haven’t really made any efforts in finding someone for yourself. I know you’ve always been a little reserved but—”  
  
“Mom,  _no_ , okay? Just no. Stop.” Curling his legs under himself, Yunho worries his bottom lip for a moment, letting the silence stretch out between them. “I don’t need your help finding girls. For God’s sake mom, can you just have a little respect for me? Is that really that hard? Can you just…Just give me some space?!” _Goddammit_.  
  
“Yunho, I—”  
  
“No, stop alright? Just forget it! Stop trying to run my damn life! I applied to grad schools like you told me to, I got the degree in college that  _you_  wanted, I’m doing everything you want already, can you just let me have _one thing_  to myself?”  
  
“I’m not asking you to be miserable, Yunho, I’m just trying—”  
  
“ _You_  make me miserable!” He tries—oh how he tries, but it’s so hard not to scream into the phone. “You and dad make me  _miserable_! Some days I don’t even know why I bother anymore doing the things I want to do. Nothing is ever good enough, and you always have to make me feel like crap because I’m still financially dependent on you both but I’m  _trying_! It’s not like I like being 24 and still living off my parents’ money, that’s embarrassing enough, but to have you guys constantly nagging me about every little thing…I just need some space!”  
  
The quiet that ensues is like nothing Yunho has ever felt before. He feels shame well up inside him the moment he shuts his mouth and he wants to apologize, he does, but he just doesn’t know how. Even while he knows he’s hurt his mom with his words, he can’t help but feel that they needed to be said.   
  
She doesn’t respond at all for a long, long time. Yunho wonders if she somehow managed to hang up on him without him knowing, but then a few moments later, he hears her whisper  _Okay_  before the line goes dead and then he knows for sure she hung up.   
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
Since the row with his mom on the phone neither of his parents have called him. Yunho feels even worse about it all because he can’t help but feel relieved that he doesn’t have half a dozen calls coming from his parents every day. It’s only been a few days, not that much time really, but it’s still enough to make him feel like shit.   
  
And yeah, he feels resentful too that he feels so indebted to his parents. That resentment makes him feel even worse about himself. He’s got to pay this month’s rate next week and things seem to be falling to pieces around him. All because he had to go and be an ass to his mom for trying to set him up with someone.  
  
“Well don’t you look like someone carrying the weight of the world.” Yunho looks up from his coffee and nearly drops it in his lap in his attempt to move down the bench, gazing wide-eyed at the speaker as she takes a seat beside him on the bus bench.  
  
“H-Hey Ara,” he says softly, taking a hasty sip of his coffee to give himself something to do other than stare at the goddess beside him.   
  
“Hey yourself,” she says. Yunho tries not to watch as she crosses her legs, the pencil skirt she’s wearing riding up her thighs, exposing more of her creamy, pale legs. He swallows thickly. “Seriously Yunho, what’s going on? Everything okay?”  
  
He nods. “Yeah, yeah of course. Everything’s good. How ’bout you? Everything okay?”  
  
“I’m fine, same as I’ve always been. But you really look like someone went and killed your dog…and then fed you his meat for dinner.”  
  
Yunho winces at the mental image. “Er, right.”  
  
“Sorry, that was badly put,” she apologizes with a faint laugh, “but is there any particular reason you look so down?”  
  
“Just…” He looks at her then, turning his head just so to see her face illuminated by the streetlamp above her. It’s not too chilly out that night, but she hides her chin beneath the collar of the sweater she’s wearing. “…just a few things on my mind,” he finally says, voice still soft.  
  
Ara. Sweet, funny, caring Ara. One of the prettiest girls Yunho has ever seen and the only one who’s ever been able to make him fully feel just how inadequate he really is. Sometimes Yunho has to keep from doing something stupid around her, something stupid like telling her how beautiful she is, or how much he wants to hold her hand and caress her knuckles. Sometimes he wants to reach out and tuck a stray wave of hair behind her ear, or brush his thumb across her cheek like they do in the movies, just before leaning in and gently pressing a kiss to her lips.  
  
It’s what he wants to do right now.  
  
“You wanna talk about it?”  
  
“Not really, to be honest. It’s just some personal things with my mom and dad. Nothing to worry about.”  
  
“Oh, well I hope everything’s okay. I know how close you are with your parents.”  _Not the words I would use exactly, but sure._  “How have you been otherwise? It’s been awhile since you stopped by the shop. I was beginning to think you’d stopped wanting to see me.” She says it playfully, a smile on her face as she nudges his shoulder with her own, but it still makes Yunho feel bad. Ara owns a little antique store a few blocks from Yunho’s apartment building, where he tries to visit her as often is considered appropriate between two friends wherein one friend harbors secret, unrequited love for the other. But lately Yunho has tried not going there as often, for no other reason than because he figures some space away from the object of his affects will lessen his feelings. It sucks more than he’d care to admit to feel so strongly for someone who will probably never feel the same.  
  
“Sorry Ara, I’ve been busy. I uh…actually I just finished applying to grad schools.”  
  
“Grad school? Really? You never mentioned you were thinking of going back to school.”  
  
“I didn’t want to say anything until I really went through with it. I’ve been working on the applications for awhile and only just sent them out.”  
  
“Cutting it close to the deadlines?”  
  
“As always,” he says, to which they both share a laugh. Even though Yunho has both hands wrapped around his Styrofoam cup, the coffee inside already turning too cold, Ara reaches out and gently curls her fingers over his right wrist, her touch light, almost shy.  
  
He glances at her, surprised. “Don’t stress yourself out too much Yunho. You know if you ever need to find an easy part-time job you’re more than welcome to come work in the store with me.”  
  
Yunho feels his chest warm at her words, feeling grateful for her kindness even though he knows he’ll never take her up on the offer. “Thanks. That means a lot to me.”  
  
“Well,” she flips her hair teasingly, adopting a sudden air of confidence, “you should know I only want you there to sell off this gorgeous watch.” Yunho lets her tug his jacket sleeve up, exposing said watch. It’s an old family watch his dad gave him a long time ago, when he’d just entered into high school. Yunho gets it fixed up ever few years, getting it cleaned and the battery replaced, just to make sure it’s always working.  
  
“Still vying for this old thing?”  
  
“Of course! It’s worth a  _lot_  Yunho, but more than that, it’s absolutely stunning. And actually, speaking of stunning…”  
  
“Uh oh. Why don’t I like the sound of that?”  
  
Playfully she slaps his arm, before resting her head on his shoulder, staring out into the street. Yunho can’t help but notice how her gaze softens, and waits for her to say what she’s no doubt itching to reveal. “You remember me telling you about Changmin?” The name rings no bells for Yunho, so he shakes his head. “The one I was telling you about last time—he came in a couple of weeks ago asking me to appraise some of his mom’s old jewelry.”  
  
“Riiight, now I remember. You told him you’d take a look at it even though you’re terrible at estimating worth for old metal,” he says with a grin.  
  
“Yeah yeah, whatever. He was good looking, okay? Well anyway, he’s been coming into the shop once or twice every week since then, always asking me to appraise random little trinkets. And this morning, guess what he asked me?”  
  
“He asked you out?”  
  
“Hell yes, he did!”  
  
Yunho wonders if the way his body stiffens and his stomach flips is normal. For a moment it feels like someone just jumped out at him and screamed  _boo!_  in his face, but the feelings of shock and surprise don’t disappear after a moment like he expects them too. “Oh, that’s…that’s great…”  
  
“He’s taking me to dinner tomorrow night,” she says, and he can just picture her radiant smile even without having to look at her face. “Gosh, I don’t know what to wear or what to say to him when he picks me up—what if this is just dinner between friends? What if he’s not looking for anything more in a relationship?”  
  
“What if you’re just panicking over something before it even happens?” Yunho asks. He can do this. He can play the role of the good, supportive friend even if he is emotionally compromised. Even if he does care for her more than he realizes she’ll ever care for him. It’s not like he’s anything special. It’s not like he has anything to offer her, really.  
  
“I don’t know Yun, I just hope everything goes well. I mean, I know we don’t really know each other that well but I still want things to work out between us. I really think we could have something between us.”  
  
“Then don’t get all worked up over nothing, Ara. Everything will work out, trust me.” He swallows thickly and squeezes her shoulder, offering her tacit confidence.  
  
“Thanks Yunho. Your confidence is making me feel better already.”  
  
It’s a spur of the moment decision. He doesn’t really think as he gently pushes her away and rolls his sleeve up. He unclasps his watch and, before she has a chance to say anything, folds it into her palm. “I want you to have my watch—”  
  
“What the hell—?”  
  
“For luck, Ara. You really like it, I know, and I want you to have it.” She looks at him in disbelief, trying to push the watch back into his hand. “This is…really random Yunho. I can’t just take your favorite watch.”  
  
With a small smile, he scoots back and stands. “Yes you can. I want you to have it. It’s a gift. If nothing else, think of it as a Christmas gift or something. I was thinking of giving it to you anyway.”   
  
“Yunho, seriously, I can’t take your watch—”  
  
“Really Ara, just take the watch, okay? Listen, I have to get home, it’s getting late and I haven’t eaten yet. I’ll stop by the shop on Saturday and you can tell me how the date went. See you!” He’s already hurrying down the street as she calls goodbye to him, her voice carried by the wind. The sudden empty weight on his wrist doesn’t feel nearly as bad as the sudden empty space in his heart.  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
Neither mom nor dad has called Yunho yet and it’s been more than a week. He doesn’t have the guts to call them himself. He figures he should wait until he has something to tell them that will make them proud of him. Something like a stable job. Or a girlfriend.   
  
Oddly enough he finds himself feeling a little better after a few days. He doesn’t really avoid going to visit Ara in her store to hear about her date with Changmin so much as he just forgets to do it. Over the past few days Yunho’s found solace walking around the city, getting on the bus and taking long rides to wherever the bus takes him. He gives his scarf to a little boy sitting on a park bench, shivering and looking way too young to be outside on his own (but Yunho’s not really anyone in a position to be asking questions). He gives a meal’s worth of money to a homeless man standing on a street corner that Yunho was about to cross from. Yesterday his wallet was stolen from his back pocket but Yunho can’t really be bothered to care. He didn’t have any of his cards or his driver’s license in it, since he kept those at home by accident after cleaning his wallet out the night before.  
  
Giving makes him feel good. The more he gives, the better he feels. He doesn’t regret for a second giving his prized, favorite watch to Ara. In a way, he feels like he gave Ara to Changmin—which is silly because Ara was never  _his_  to begin with—but just thinking that way makes him feel good too, like he did something worthwhile.  
  
Tuesday evening rolls around. Yunho finds himself on the sidewalk of a bridge, the one bicyclists and pedestrians use to cross. He stops and looks over the edge, where beneath him the cold river runs with purpose. It’s getting dark, the sun facing him as it begins a slow descent to hide beneath the horizon. Yunho doesn’t stop to think. He shrugs his jacket off and lets it fall to the ground.  
  
He swings his leg over the metal railing, then struggles over the second, mesh wire railing. His fingers loop into the wiring and he holds himself there, just like that with his arms open wide and his feet pressed as close to the railing as they can. He holds perfectly still, letting the breeze whisper in his ear, telling him things, asking him  _Is this worth it? Is this what you want?_  
  
“Yes,” he whispers to no one. “It’s the least I can do for my parents. I’m such a burden to them. I should just…Everything will be better this way.”  _Do you really believe it will never get better?_  “How can it? It won’t. I can’t do anything right. I can’t do this. I can’t be me anymore.” Yunho’s never been a very religious man, but he finds himself thinking of God and Jesus and Mary and thinking about how any and every pious man would be condemning him to hell right now for thinking of taking his own life. He’s never been religious but he still finds himself saying, “You’ve abandoned me. I may as well abandon myself.” He takes a deep breath and, just before he’s about to take the plunge to his murky doom, glances to his left.  
  
Only to freeze at the sight of someone else standing several feet away, standing in the same position as Yunho. The other person turns their face and Yunho can’t be sure, because it’s too dark to tell, but he thinks that just for a second, their eyes meet. And then the stranger faces forward again and jumps, before Yunho can say anything.


	2. Part II - Ange de Ciel: Angel from the Sky

It was probably a stupid idea to jump in after the stranger. Yunho probably should have called the cops and waited for emergency services to come and rescue the other person. But just like the idea to jump, Yunho doesn’t stop to think about his decision before he jumps in after the stranger.  
  
The body is floating in the water easily. It’s not like in the movies, where the body is sinking, sinking, sinking to the bottom of the river. Yunho doesn’t have to do any fancy acrobats to get to the body. The water is damn cold and shocks his whole system the second Yunho’s body submerges under but the adrenaline is pumping so harshly in his veins, everything is reaction. He grabs the body—of a boy, he quickly discovers, and swims to the shore. Struggling to get them both up and onto land again.   
  
He’s still running on instinct as he performs CPR, the boy’s lips cold and but soft under his as he breathes into his mouth. It’s only when the boy splutters and coughs up mouthfuls of water and sits up weakly that Yunho finally breathes in relief.  
  
The boy collapses onto his back again and breathes in deeply for several long seconds. When he finally opens his eyes again, he blinks owlishly up at the sky before his face turns to the side and he catches Yunho’s gaze. He smiles, but Yunho doesn’t smile back.  
  
“I knew you’d save me,” the boy finally says. “Good thing, too. Otherwise you’d be dead as well.”  
  
There’s a moment of silence, in which Yunho questions whether the kid is crazy or not, before Yunho falls heavily onto his butt and closes his eyes. He rubs his face tiredly with the heels of his palms, groaning loudly. “That was the damn point,” he mutters.  
  
When he pulls his hands away, he finds the kid staring at him in confusion, head cocked to the side. His blond hair is plastered to his head, some strands in strange spikes from when Yunho had to hold his head still to perform CPR.   
  
“Oh…Right.”  
  
His face is totally blank, tiny body trembling. From the light provided above them from the street lamp, Yunho can tell the boy is young, maybe no more than 21. High cheek bones, round eyes, thick lips.  _He’s pretty_ , Yunho thinks.  _Absolutely gorgeous, actually. What the hell is a guy like_  him  _doing trying to kill himself?_  It’s that thought that really gets to him. Yunho feels anger well up inside him, angry beyond belief that this stupid pretty boy just ruined his chance at finally doing the right thing.   
  
“Are you  _crazy_?!” he yells, standing up. “What the hell were you thinking?!”  
  
“Probably the same thing as you—”  
  
“It’s dinner time on a Tuesday evening, couldn’t you go and eat with your precious family like everyone else in the damn city?!”  
  
“I—”  
  
“No, stop, I don’t want to hear it! You just ruined—oh my God, I can’t even fucking kill myself properly—!” he whimpers in despair. Tilting his head to the heavens, he can’t help but yell, “Are You happy?! Is this what You wanted? To see me fail  _again_?!”  
  
From the corner of his eye, Yunho sees the boy stand shakily to his feet. He doesn’t have a chance to react as the boy grabs onto Yunho’s shoulders, shaking him slightly and trying to get him to look down at him. “What is your problem?! Why did you want to kill yourself anyway?!”  
  
“ _My_  problem?!” He shoves the boy back, though has the mind not to be too rough. “My problem is that I’m ugly, stupid, and useless!”  
  
“Exactly like me!”  
  
“There are,” Yunho leans close to the boy’s face, voice low and angry, “over a dozen different bridges in this city. You just  _had_  to pick  _this_  one to go jump off of?” Taking a step back again, he looks the boy up and down and adds, “I seriously doubt you’re going through the same thing as me.”  
  
“I’m stupid and useless—”  
  
“At least you have the looks to cover it up.”  
  
“On the inside. I’m stupid and useless on the inside, just like you. And this?” He cups his cheeks with his hands, “this hides nothing.”  
  
“Listen kid. Whatever problems you’re having, I guarantee they’re not worth killing yourself over.”  
  
“Which is why I’m glad you saved me.”  
  
“And ruined my own chance! You’d be dead without me!”  
  
“You’d be dead without me to save. And right back at you,  _old man_. Thank you for saving me, and you’re welcome for me saving you too.”  
  
“You—You are… _Argh_!” He spins around and begins stomping away, wanting to get as far from the boy as possible. He makes it about ten steps before a hand tugs him back, spinning him around. “Look, you’re right. I’d be dead without you.”  
  
“You’re welcome.” Yunho pulls back and tries to walk away again.  
  
“Well, what do we do now?!” the boy calls out to him.   
  
“ _We_?!” Yunho all but yells, spinning around again. “There is no  _we_ , alright? There’s me—and you—and  _us_ never seeing nor speaking to each other again.”  
  
“But you saved my life!”  
  
“It was reaction—instinct! Sheer instinct, I just acted. Jumping in after you was the first thing that came to mind.”  
  
“Regardless,” Yunho has no idea what’s happening but suddenly the boy has his arms around him, face pressed into his back, “you saved my life. So what do we do now?”  
  
The arms around him are warm and firm, the grip surprisingly strong considering what the boy has just been through. Yunho covers the hands over his stomach with his own, taking a deep breath. “Now you go home and get some counseling. You forget this ever happened and you try to move on.”  
  
He feels the boy shake his head, forehead pressed into Yunho’s back. “Maybe that’s what you’ll do. But I’m gonna help you. You were there for me when I needed someone. Let me be there for you. Anything you need. Use me.”  
  
A shudder races down Yunho’s spine at the words.  _Use me_. “Not something you should say to a complete stranger, kid.”  
  
“You just pulled me out of a river after I tried to kill myself. That’s makes us as close as blood brothers.”  
  
“No, it makes you an idiot and me crazy.”  
  
“Do you regret saving me?”  
  
“I regret not being able to save myself.”  
  
The boy spins him around, keeping them chest to chest, nothing but their breaths between them. He’s half a head shorter than Yunho, and this close to him, Yunho can see just how stunning he is. He can see tiny droplets of moisture still clinging to the boy’s eyelashes, his face pale and his cheeks flushed. “Killing yourself doesn’t save you. It doesn’t help.”  
  
“And you know this in your vast experience of life?” Yunho scoffs.  
  
“I’m not that young. I’m 19.”  
  
“That’s great, congratulations big boy. But you really need to go home now. Your parents are probably worrying about you.”  
  
“Are yours worrying about you?” Unbidden, thoughts of his mom and dad and how he hasn’t talked to them in over a week come to his mind. He wonders if they’re even thinking about him right now beyond wondering if he got himself a job yet.   
  
Eventually he shakes his head. “My life is not your business. I handle things on my own.”  
  
“Riiight, of course. Jumping off of bridges and attempting suicide. Yeah, you’re really handling your problems well,” the stranger says with a roll of his eyes.  
  
“What do you know? You’re just a pretty looking kid who probably couldn’t get daddy to buy you a new sports car. What do you know about adult problems?”  
  
“Oh and you’re so mature! Adults—you’re all the same! Always thinking you can solve everything on your own, because you’re old and wise and mature, right? You can do  _everything_  on your own.”  
  
Glaring at the boy’s audacity, Yunho shoves him back, hard. “Show some respect. I don’t need this.” And with that, he walks away again.  
  
He’s almost surprised when the kid doesn’t try to stop him. Doesn’t call him back nor does he run after Yunho. Yunho walks for nearly half a minute before pausing.   
  
What is he doing? he wonders. Sighing, he turns around again.  
  
“What’s your name kid?”  
  
“Jaejoong,” he answers, his voice smooth and soft.  
  
“If I leave, will you try again?”  
  
“Try what?”  
  
“You know,” he makes a half-hearted waving motion in the direction of the bridge. “Jumping off bridges, killing yourself.”  
  
“Why do you care?”  
  
“That’s cold, saying that to the guy who just saved your life. We’re like…blood brothers, didn’t you say that?”  
  
“I…Well I…”  
  
“Jaejoong.” Yunho steps closer, pushing strands of wet hair off his face.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Trust me when I say—it would be the world’s loss if you killed yourself.”  
  
“You don’t even know me. Not well enough to say that.”  
  
“I don’t need to know you to know that.”  
  
“Why? Because I’m good looking?”  
  
Yunho scowls. “No. Because you strike me as someone who cares.”  
  
“Well then it would be the world’s loss if you killed yourself too. Because you care too. You cared enough to save me.”  
  
“That’s the difference between you and me. You care enough about your life to feel grateful I saved you. Saving you in a way saved me from killing myself too, but while you’re grateful…”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I’m not. I still want to die.”  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
“No one wants to die.” They’re sitting in a small café, both sipping sporadically at cups of coffee. A plate of small cookies is between them on the table but neither has gone to take one yet.  
  
“You and I are both, ironically enough, living proof against that statement.”  
  
Jaejoong stares out the window, watching people walking past them on the sidewalk. His eyes catch the sparkle of light from the dim lighting above them, making his eyes glow and his face shine. He seems…delicate. Too fragile. Again, Yunho finds himself wondering why someone like Jaejoong would feel the need to kill himself.  _With an angelic face like that, he can have anything. What couldn’t he get that made him miserable enough to want to die?_  
  
“I didn’t want to die. Not really. And I know you didn’t either.”  
  
“You don’t know that.”  
  
Jaejoong shakes his head. “I do. I’m completely certain of it. By the way, you bought me coffee and cookies—and saved my life—and I still don’t even know your name.”  
  
“Yunho. Jung Yunho.”  
  
When Jaejoong smiles at him, Yunho swears he hears bells ringing, or something poetic, like feels the sun shining down on them—which is crazy, considering it’s night time and they’re both sitting indoors. “Yunho.  _Yu-un_ -ho.”  
  
“Uh, yeah. Yunho. That’s my name.” Feeling suddenly shy under Jaejoong’s intense gaze, Yunho looks down, trying to cover his face with his hair—which completely fails.   
  
“You’re uncomfortable.”  
  
“Well…yeah.”  
  
“Why?” And the way Jaejoong asks, Yunho can tell he genuinely doesn’t know. He honestly doesn’t realize what his gaze does to Yunho.  
  
“I…I’m just not used to this.”  
  
“Used to what?” Jaejoong cocks his head to the side again, looking confused and so adorable Yunho can’t keep his eyes on him without feeling himself flush and his cheeks heat up.   
  
“Used to gorgeous people…you know…talking to me like this.”  
  
Jaejoong scoffs in disbelief. “Gorgeous? I’m not gorgeous.”  
  
“Shut up. I hate when beautiful people try to play the  _oh I’m not pretty or good looking_  act, just to come off as modest.”  
  
“What are you talking about? I’m  _not_  gorgeous or pretty or whatever else you’re thinking. If anyone between us is good looking, it’s you.”  
  
Was Jaejoong purposely doing this? Trying to make Yunho feel worse than he already did? “Now you’re just mocking me. Enjoy your coffee,” he grits out as he stands.  
  
“Wait, Yunho—!” Jaejoong grabs his wrist before he can make it more than a few yards. “I’m not mocking you. Why don’t you believe me?” he asks, and Yunho thinks he has no right to sound so hurt.  
  
“Because no one in their right mind would think  _I’m_  good looking. Not when I’m standing next to you.”  
  
As he’s making his way down the sidewalk, trying to get the image of the blonde boy out of his head and trying to tell himself he’s doing the right thing, leaving Jaejoong alone in the café, Yunho can’t help but wish things were a little different. That maybe he wasn’t such a mess. That maybe Jaejoong wasn’t so…that maybe Jaejoong didn’t feel the  _need_ …  
  
“Yunho! Jung Yunho, stop running away from me!” Yunho doesn’t turn around but he does stop, waiting for Jaejoong to catch him even though he tries to tell his feet to move, to get him away.   
“Honestly old man. You need to stop running from your problems.”  
  
“The only thing I’m running from is you.”   
  
“Why? Because I tell you the truth?”  
  
“You keep trying to tell me I’m beautiful! That’s not the truth!” Yunho all but shouts, turning around.   
  
“Look, I get it, you’ve got problems—hell, we’ve all got problems. You’ve given me a second chance, let me help you face your own problems! I can help!”  
  
“You can’t do anything, Jaejoong.”  
  
“Whatever you need Yunho, let me—”  
  
“You know nothing! You don’t know a damn thing about what I’m going through right now, okay?! Someone like you couldn’t possibly understand what it’s like from my end.”  
  
He watches Jaejoong heave a deep breath, crossing his arms petulantly over his chest. His gaze is hard and defiant as he stares up at Yunho. “If you had my life, what would you do with it?”  
  
“I don’t need your life—or your problems. I’ve got enough of those myself.”  
  
“Fine then—if you had my face, what would do with it?”  
  
Giving a mirthless laugh, Yunho answers, “What wouldn’t I do with it? I’d have girls vying for my attention. I’d be the one in front of the camera instead of the greasy loser trying to make ends meet living behind the lens. I could make something of myself. Be someone my parents would be proud to call their son.”  
  
“Okay then.” Jaejoong smiles wryly; uncrosses his arms. “Since I can’t give you my face, I’ll give you myself.”  
  
“Excuse me?”  
  
“You heard me. I’m yours. Whatever you would do if you had my face, you do it instead with me.”  
  
Maybe Jaejoong swallowed more river water than Yunho had originally thought. There’s a good chance the kid is crazy, Yunho decides. “Do you realize what you’re saying?”  
  
Jaejoong nods, a self satisfied smile still on his face. “Of course.”  
  
“I could make you do anything.”  
  
“Yup.”  
  
“I could whore you out. Make you have sex with perverted old men just so I could make enough cash to pay for ramen for the next month.” At this, Jaejoong looks a little more unsure, though the smile remains on his face. “I know,” he says slowly. “If you wanted to…then yeah, you could do that.”  
  
“And you would go through with it?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
Yunho rolls his eyes, digging his hands into his pockets. He feels gross, cold, and wet from having jumped into the river. He knows he looks a mess and thinks it’s completely unfair how Jaejoong still manages to look absolutely stunning even when his hair is matted down in messy strands and his clothes are damp and he’s shivering like a leaf in the wind.  
  
“You’ll do anything for me?”  
  
“I already said—”  
  
“You’re not joking?”  
  
“Not even a little.” He waits a beat. “I’m all yours.”  
  
“…”  
  
“What’s wrong?”   
  
Yunho looks down at himself, sees his too-big clothes, rumpled, ugly, out of fashion, sopping wet. He thinks about his normally spiky hair, his crooked teeth, his puffy cheeks. He imagines his flabby arms, his hunched back. He shudders.  
  
“You would stand…right here? Beside me? Anywhere and everywhere I go?”  
  
Jaejoong nods. “Yes. Anything you want me to do, I’ll do it. No questions asked.”  
  
They gaze at each other for a while, Yunho expecting Jaejoong to crack a grin and laugh at him at any second. “You’re just messing with me.”  
  
“Nope. I promise it, Yunho, on my second chance at life. Try me.”  
  
Yunho knows exactly what he wants to say, exactly what he wants to make Jaejoong do. “Fine. Kiss me,” he challenges, knowing full well Jaejoong would never kiss someone like him.  
  
Jaejoong doesn’t say anything, but steps closer, closer, closer. Yunho’s eyes widen as Jaejoong steps into his personal space, face serious as he licks his lips once. Before Yunho knows what’s happening, Jaejoong loops his arms around his shoulders. He steps up onto his tiptoes because he can’t quite reach Yunho’s height. He breathes against Yunho’s mouth.  
  
And then their lips touch. It’s gentle, smooth, soft. It’s Yunho’s third kiss—ever. Jaejoong tilts his head to the left, and opens his mouth a little to cover Yunho’s lips more fully. Yunho’s not sure what’s happening but he’s never felt like this, like someone is running electric currents through his body. Jaejoong’s body is soft in his arms—when did Yunho’s arms wrap around Jaejoong’s waist?—and the kiss is so gentle and achingly perfect.  
  
They only pull away when Yunho needs to breathe. “Okay?” Jaejoong asks, giving him an encouraging smile. Yunho blinks at him before pushing him away in stunned silence.  
  
“Again?”  
  
“No!” he all but shouts, softening his voice when Jaejoong looks taken aback. “No, I uh…I believe you.” He licks his lips, touches his bottom lip with the pads of his fingers and imagines he can still feel the velvety softness of Jaejoong’s mouth on his.  
  
“That…was…”  
  
“That was my first kiss,” Jaejoong says, sounding almost in awe.  
  
“Oh jeez kid—”  
  
“I’m not a kid! Not anymore…”  
  
Yunho looks at him for a second just before a grin crawls its way onto his face. And then Yunho is laughing, slinging an arm around Jaejoong’s shoulders and mussing up Jaejoong’s hair with his knuckles. “You ain’t a man just because you had your first kiss, kid.”  
  
Jaejoong scowls but makes no move to escape Yunho’s hold. “Yeah well, if being a man means being a senile old geezer like you, I’ll keep my youth, thanks.”  
  
“But not your innocence,” Yunho mutters under his breath.  
  
“What was that?”  
  
“Nothing Joongie, nothing at all.”  
  
“Joongie?”  
  
Yunho begins walking down the street, arm still around Jaejoong’s shoulders. “Yeah, Joongie. Unless you prefer I call you kid.”  
  
Jaejoong is silent, before, “Joongie is fine with me…Yunnie.”  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
“Alright Joongie. This is where our road together ends. It’s been great, really, but I gotta get you home now.” They’re standing a few blocks from Yunho’s home. Yunho is fully prepared to give Jaejoong a few bucks for cab fare—until he remembers he has no money left.  
  
Well, he’s still got his legs. He’ll just have to walk Jaejoong home…  
  
“I can’t go back home.”  
  
…or not.  
  
“What? Look, Jae, your parents are probably worried sick—”  
  
“No I mean…I really can’t go back home.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
Jaejoong takes a step back, wrapping his arms around his body protectively. Yunho watches him shiver and resists the urge to take him into a warm embrace. “Because I have no home.”  
  
“Well where do you live?”  
  
To Yunho’s confusion Jaejoong glances up, looking heavenward for a second, before looking at Yunho again. He doesn’t answer verbally, simply shrugs.  
  
“Come on Jae, it’s late and I’m tired and cold and hungry, not to mention still wet from fishing your ass out of the river. Just tell me where you live so I can take you home.”  
  
“Seriously Yunho, I have no place to go back to. And remember what we agreed on? I’m yours. I guess you’ll just have to take me home with you.”  
  
It sounds like something out of a bad porn movie, Yunho thinks. There’s just no way Jaejoong can be  _that_ serious about this whole, ‘I’m yours’ crap. For one thing, no one as young as Jaejoong can make such a decision, let alone say those kinds of words. For another thing…Well, just looking at Jaejoong, Yunho knows there’s no way he can really believe Jaejoong is offering himself to  _Yunho_  of all people. It doesn’t matter what he says. Yunho refuses to believe it.  
  
He sees Jaejoong roll his eyes. “Don’t, Yun. I can see it in your face, you’re still thinking this is some elaborate joke.”  
  
“Because it is. Ha ha, great laughs, but now the joke’s done and you can go home.”  
  
“What part of I can’t go home do you refuse to accept?”  
  
“What part of there’s no way you belong to me do you not understand?”  
  
“Do I have to kiss you again? Because I will.” Jaejoong takes a step toward him. Yunho takes a step back. Jaejoong takes another step forward and Yunho takes another back, until his back hits a street pole.  
  
“Don’t,” Yunho says, trying to sound firm, but Jaejoong keeps walking until he’s pressed up against Yunho’s front. “This is…is a total…”  
  
“What?” Jaejoong breathes.  
  
“Invasion…”  
  
“Of...?”  
  
“Space—personal space. My personal space.”  
  
“Are you complaining?”  
  
Yunho takes a moment to think. Well…he’s got a gorgeous 19 year old pressed up against him, offering him his body—even if he can’t be completely sure just how serious Jaejoong is about that. Yunho himself knows what he’d like to do with Jaejoong; a lot of bad things that he  _really_  shouldn’t do to a 19 year old, regardless of how willing he is. Yunho’s also just saved the kid’s life and Yunho’s still alive, his life still sucks. Tomorrow he’s going to wake up and be the same fuck up he was tonight, yesterday, last week, last month…his whole life. Is he really going to complain if Jaejoong wants to kiss him again? Is he really going to tell him not to?  
  
“Don’t kiss me again,” he says, mentally kicking himself. Seriously? Maybe  _he_  swallowed more river water than he’d originally thought, because Yunho’s pretty sure he’s insane, turning Jaejoong away.  
  
Jaejoong looks disappointed when he finally takes a step back, but Yunho refuses to let himself linger on that fact.  
  
“Are you homeless?” he asks. Jaejoong shakes his head. “No. I’m not homeless.”  
  
“Well then where do you live?”  
  
“With you. Just take me home Yunho. Please?”  
  
He wants to put up more of a fight, he does, really. But Yunho’s had the fight washed out of him and drowned in the river, so he eventually just nods. Jaejoong smiles at him, relieved. “Thank you, Yunnie.” Feeling awkward, Yunho rubs the back of his neck with one hand before taking Jaejoong’s hand in his free hand. The younger man’s fingers are smooth, unworked, flexible. They hold tightly to Yunho’s hand as he leads Jaejoong down the street to his apartment.  
  
“How does a guy like you go from being innocent one second to a manipulative little minx in the next?”  
  
Jaejoong leans into Yunho’s side, head on his shoulder as they walk. Smiling impishly up at Yunho, he answers, “I don’t know what you mean Yunnie. I’m an angel.”  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
“Wow this is…”  
  
“Don’t say it.”  
  
“You don’t even know what I wanted to say,” Jaejoong replies, laughing.  
  
“Your face says it all,” grumbles Yunho.  
  
“Well…your place is very  _you_.” Yunho pauses in the midst of throwing his coat over the back of one his kitchen chairs and glances back at Jaejoong. “You’re mocking me again, aren’t you?”  
  
“I’m not, promise.”  
  
Yunho can’t help but wonder what now. His botched attempt at suicide puts him back at square one. Or more accurately, several paces behind square one. Right now all he wants is to take a hot shower and collapse on his bed. First though, he has to take care of Jaejoong, who’s standing trembling in the kitchen, looking around at the various pictures Yunho has on counters; books stacked up on their sides; trinkets his mom gave him to ‘decorate’ his home with and make it look more inviting.  
  
“We both should shower first and get into some dry clothes,” Yunho finally says, voice soft. Jaejoong nods, his back to him as bends forward slightly to look at various picture frames lined up next to each other on the counter.  
  
“Your parents?” he asks, pointing to a white frame protecting a picture of his parents smiling at the camera, arms around each other.  
  
Yunho smiles fondly as he walks to the frame and reaches around Jaejoong to pick it up, stroking the edge of the frame as he remembers back to when he’d taken the picture. “Yeah, that’s mom and dad.”  
  
“They look so happy.”  
  
Yunho nods. “They were— _are_.”  
  
“What about you?” Jaejoong asks as Yunho replaces the frame back to its original place.  
  
“What about me?”  
  
“Were you that happy?”  
  
Crossing his arms over his chest, Yunho leans his hip against the counter, appraising Jaejoong silently before eventually answering, “I could never be as happy as my parents. Not like the happiness you see in that picture.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“Because.”  
  
“Because why?”  
  
“Because I just can’t, alright? Enough with the interrogation.”  
  
Jaejoong’s eyes narrow, his glare indicative of how he feels regarding Yunho’s quick avoidance of the question. “Is it because you feel stupid, ugly, and useless?”  
  
“That’s not how I feel, that’s how I am. And I don’t even know why I’m telling a complete stranger all this.”  
  
“I’m not a complete stranger.”  
  
“You realize we’re not real ‘blood brothers,’ right?”  
  
“No, we’re not. We’re closer than that. Not all blood brothers would risk their lives for each other.”  
  
“I didn’t risk my life to save yours. I wasted it.”  
  
“Don’t say things like that.”  
  
“Why not? It’s the truth.”  
  
Jaejoong’s glower deepens, and if Yunho was a little more concerned he would have stopped speaking the way he is but he just can’t help himself. “It’s  _not_  the truth. How can anyone have such low self worth? How could you possibly think life isn’t worth living?”  
  
“You have no right to preach to me the values of life, considering you just tried to end yours.”  
  
“But I—You didn’t—It was just—”  
  
“Uh huh? Go on?”  
  
Jaejoong looks away, no longer able to meet Yunho’s fierce, imploring gaze. “Well what do I know? I’m only 22.”  
  
Did he hear right? “22? I thought you said you were 19.”  
  
“Well I…did say that.”  
  
 _Okay, now I’m really confused,_  Yunho muses. “Well are you 19 or 22?”  
  
“I…”  
  
“ _Well_?”  
  
“…I think I should take that shower now.”   
  
He does nothing but stare at Jaejoong for a full minute, wondering if Jaejoong has more issues that Yunho had originally suspected. There’s a chance Jaejoong is a dangerous criminal or something, a con artist who only gained Yunho’s trust—however little of it he has at any right—just so Yunho would take him back to his apartment which Jaejoong will rob the second Yunho turns his back. But then again…looking at Jaejoong the way he is now, Yunho can’t really see him as the type to do something so devious. Yunho may not know Jaejoong very well but he considers himself a really good judge of character, and no matter how manipulative Jaejoong may be, he can’t see him robbing his apartment that easily.  
  
If nothing else well, Yunho doesn’t have much worth stealing anyway.  
  
With a sigh, Yunho uncrosses his arms and takes Jaejoong’s hand, leading him to the bathroom and telling him where the towels are and that he’ll give him a pair of Yunho’s old shirts and sweatpants to wear while his clothes go in the laundry. He doesn’t let himself think about the little electric currents racing through him from the contact of their hands holding. No way. Yunho most certainly isn’t going there.  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
Yunho makes Jaejoong sleep on the couch, which probably isn’t the best idea, knowing the kind of torture that poor piece of furniture has endured under Yunho’s care. But the only other option would be to let him sleep in Yunho’s bed— _with_  Yunho, because no way is Yunho sleeping on the couch.  
  
And no way is Yunho putting himself through that kind of torture.  
  
Jaejoong doesn’t even put up a fight about it, not that Yunho had expected to him to. If nothing else, Jaejoong did say he would do whatever Yunho wanted him to, though he probably meant that in terms of helping Yunho feel better about himself. Him sleeping on the couch certainly makes Yunho feel better.  
  
As he’s lying in bed late that night, listening to the music of the street sounds dancing faintly into his bedroom, Yunho finds himself thinking about everything that’s happened to him. Is it fate, he wonders, that he saved Jaejoong just before he was prepared to kill himself? Or was it just more bad luck?  
  
Of course, he doesn’t regret saving Jaejoong, not at all. But he does regret what it cost him. That decision he made to throw himself over a bridge and die…that definitely wasn’t the smartest choice he’s ever made, but it also didn’t feel like a choice either. It felt like something he should have done a long time ago, something that could make everything right. But with his failed attempt, he can’t help but wonder—What now?


	3. Part III - Je suis Toi, Tu es Moi: I am You, You are Me

"So, new day, new life—what now?”  
  
“Excuse me?”  
  
From across the table Jaejoong rolls his eyes, taking a generous swallow from his glass of milk. “You know,” he starts, putting the glass down after a moment, “what’re we doing today? What’s on the agenda?”  
  
“Uh well…I have a job interview today at 3…”  
  
“Great! And before and after that? It is only 10.”  
  
“I guess…uhm…Well, I’m not really sure, to be honest.”  
  
Jaejoong  _tsk_ -s. “Well, we can start on rebuilding your life.”  
  
Not for the first time, Yunho finds himself speechless and confused. “First off, I need to get you home, okay? And second, trust me when I say there’s nothing you can do to help me ‘rebuild’ my life.”  
  
“You won’t even consider the possibility that I can help?”  
  
“Nope, because I know you can’t.” Mercifully, Jaejoong falls silent, but Yunho’s not afforded peace for long. “Why don’t you tell me why you almost killed yourself last night.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Don’t you watch television? Talking helps.”  
  
Getting up from the table, Yunho takes his and Jaejoong’s dirty breakfast plates and dumps them into the sink, telling himself he’ll clean up later. He rests his back against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest as he stares at the back of Jaejoong’s head before the younger man turns to face him.  
  
“It’s a lot of different things,” Yunho eventually says. “Nothing really important. No one thing stands out more than another.”  
  
“I want to hear it all.”  
  
“Again, why? Look, I know you feel obligated to help me or whatever because you feel indebted to me after I saved you last night, but I’m not looking for payment, okay? Really. Just knowing you’re still alive in this world is enough for me.”  
  
What confuses Yunho is that Jaejoong actually looks stunned at his words. He looks like he can’t believe what Yunho is saying before his gaze softens and he stands, hurrying to Yunho’s front and placing his hands on his chest. Yunho finds himself trapped against the kitchen counter, but he can’t say he wants to escape all that much. When Jaejoong looks up at him, his lips are curved in an achingly beautiful smile. “You actually mean that,” he says.  
  
“Well yeah. Why would I say it if I didn’t?”  
  
Jaejoong shakes his head. “No, you don’t understand. You—you actually  _believe_  the world is a better place just because I’m still alive.”  
  
“…”  
  
“Yunnie…I don’t know if that makes you incredibly shallow, or just incredible, period. But it does make  _me_  sad.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because it hurts me to know you care so little for your life.”  
  
Before Yunho can stop himself, he replies, “The world would be a better place without me.”  
  
“ _Don’t say that!_ ” Jaejoong hisses, eyes flashing in a mixture of hurt and anger. “Don’t you  _ever_  say that.”  
  
“Jae…” There are a million thoughts whirling through his head but Yunho can’t decide what’s most appropriate to say, can’t even decide what he  _wants_  to say most. So he falls quiet and says nothing and lets Jaejoong continue to lean on him. This is a dangerous place to be. This is the place people come to just before they begin to grow attached. Yunho doesn’t need any more attachments.  
  
“What can I do to help you?” Jaejoong asks quietly, after an age of time has passed by.  
  
“Unless you can make me gorgeous and talented, not much.”  
  
Jaejoong looks thoughtful for a second before, “If I made you look…good, by your standards I mean, what would you do?”  
  
 _Get the girl of my dreams, to start with,_  Yunho thinks, Ara’s face coming to mind. “No use in thinking about what can never be.”  
  
“But if I could? Would it make you feel better? Would it make your life easier?”  
  
“If you gave an addict a suitcase of money, would it make it easier for him to get his poison?”  
  
“Only if he was smart about how he used it. Humans have a tendency to abuse good things.” Sending Yunho a pointed look, Jaejoong waits for the older man to reply but several long seconds pass in silence.  
  
“Good things are hard to come by,” Yunho finally says, turning away. He’s startled by the press of Jaejoong’s hand to his cheek, gently turning his head to face him again.  
  
“They don’t have to be you know,” he says quietly. “Good things come to good people and you, Yunho, are a good person.”  
  
“I’m a nobody trying to be something I’m not supposed to be.”  
  
“Like what? A good son? A caring boyfriend? A talented photographer? Because you are all that and  _more_. Help yourself,” he whispers, voice firm even in its quiet. “Help yourself Yunnie. Everything you want is  _right here_ ,” he taps gently at Yunho’s chest, right above his heart, “and it’s so easy to take it and have it all. You just have to let yourself have your happiness. Being someone you’re not will never make you happy. And you can tell yourself a hundred times that making everyone around you happy will bring you happiness but I know you’ve long since realized it isn’t true. Misery is everywhere, all around us, but by embracing the happiness and the joy inside you— _that’s_  how you keep yourself from being miserable.”  
  
Yunho swallows thickly, wanting so much to believe Jaejoong’s words, feeling his stomach flip at the conviction and passion and god—the  _caring_  Yunho hears in Jaejoong’s voice. “I…I don’t know how to be happy,” he chokes out.  
  
Jaejoong’s hand curls against Yunho’s cheek, stroking the side of his face with his soft knuckles. He sends Yunho a small, comforting smile when Yunho can’t help but lean into the soothing touch. “It’s simple, but it’s not easy. You have to let go of everything that makes you miserable first. And you have to let yourself be open to the idea that, yeah, people have high expectations of you—you have high expectations of  _yourself_ —but in the end, you’re the only one living your life. When you let your life be filled with pain,  _you_  are the only one who suffers. Don’t let yourself suffer Yunnie. Please.”  
  
“…That was a nice speech,” Yunho tries to say dismissively, hoping Jaejoong doesn’t catch the way his breath hitches.  
  
Apparently he does though, because his eyes narrow and his hand on Yunho’s cheek falls to join the other one on Yunho’s chest. “I swore to you last night that I’d help you Yunho and I’m going to.”  
  
“Lending me your face—pretty as it is—isn’t going to help me.”  
  
“It’s not just my face. My body too. Think about it. Think about all the things you could do with it. You really could sell me to the highest bidders; make some easy cash. You could send some of it to your parents, use it to pay for a better apartment or better yet, use it to pay for a photography studio and more equipment. The possibilities are…how do you say it?—endless.”  
  
And just like that the impassioned, fiery atmosphere Jaejoong had built shatters around them. Yunho shudders and shoves Jaejoong back because the image of him…of him…with other men doing sick things— _disgusting_ , depraved things—all for their pleasure…it makes him sick to his stomach just thinking about it.   
  
“Even if you somehow managed to get that kind of money, I would  _never_  touch a penny of it. I’d rather be on the fucking streets or—better yet—floating dead in a river for the cops to find than take your dirty money.”  
  
“But I promised to help you—”  
  
“You can help by leaving because there’s nothing you can do for me. Trust me.”  
  
Jaejoong doesn’t laugh, which Yunho is glad for, but for some reason that Yunho can’t begin to understand, the younger boy grins. He steps back, hands falling to his sides, eyes and smile softening. His blond hair falls limply at his ears, his pale face transforms into a look of relief and watching him, Yunho has no idea why Jaejoong is looking the way he does.  
  
“How did you know I like photography?” Yunho suddenly asks, voice small, almost as though afraid of the answer. “I never told you that. In fact, I never said anything about my parents either.”  
  
“If I could make you beautiful Yunho, would you know what to do with yourself? Like a drug addict given a suitcase of money—could I trust you to do the right thing?” Jaejoong asks instead, avoiding the question entirely.  
  
“Who the fuck are you?!” Yunho suddenly exclaims, leaning back hard against the counter, hands coming up to grip the edge of the wood behind him. He tries not to look afraid but Jaejoong is beginning to scare him, there’s no use denying it.  
  
“I can do it Yunho. I can make you as handsome on the outside as you are in the inside. But how well can you balance inner beauty with a beatific exterior? Do you think you’d lose yourself?”  
  
“I’m calling the cops,” Yunho mutters, edging away from the counter. Jaejoong makes no move to stop him, not even when Yunho grabs his cell phone off the charger farther down the counter, not even when Yunho’s thumb poses above the first key to begin dialing.  
  
“Hear me out Yunnie.”  
  
“Don’t call me that!”  
  
“Yunnie…Yunho…listen to me. I can give you what you think you want. I can change your face to show in the mirror what you’ve always dreamed of having reflected back at you.”  
  
“You’re a creep who probably conned me last night with that fake suicide attempt! God _dammit_  I should’ve listened to my gut last night when it was telling me something about you was off!”  
  
“I’m not a creep—”  
  
“You’re a sick kid who—”  
  
“No, I’m not a kid either I’m—”  
  
“—swear I shoulda called the police sooner—”  
  
“Yunnie please— _I’m an angel_. And I can help you.”  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
So Jaejoong is a nut, and Yunho is absolutely certain of this. He should probably call for emergency medical services rather than the cops. Or he should throw Jaejoong back on the streets where he belongs.  
  
“You don’t believe me—it’s okay, I knew you wouldn’t.”  
  
“So…you’re schizophrenic or something?”  
  
Jaejoong ignores him, walking sideways to the kitchen table where he takes a seat, never once looking away from Yunho’s gaze. “I can prove it,” he says, to which Yunho rolls his eyes. “You and all the other Jesus loving fanatics out there,” he mutters.  
  
Jaejoong shakes his head and motions for Yunho to come to him. Yunho doesn’t want to, definitely not, definitely wants to keep as much distance between them as possible now that he’s discovered Jaejoong is off his hinges, but without even realizing what he’s doing, he somehow finds his feet disobeying his mind and taking him to take the seat across from Jaejoong at the table.  
  
“Please don’t hurt me,” he says lamely, crossing his fingers nervously over his lap.  
  
“I’m not going to hurt you Yunnie.”  
  
“Yeah, that’s what they all say just before they go for your throat.”  
  
Jaejoong laughs, eyes closing and head tilted back. “Crazy people don’t know they’re crazy, haven’t you heard? Do you really think I’d be talking to you this lucidly if I was mentally impaired?”  
  
“Maybe  _I’m_  the one mentally impaired.”  
  
“You’re not, I promise. You’ve got a lot of issues, but craziness isn’t one of them.”  
  
“That’s comforting.” Yunho stares at the table top, telling himself that if he stares at it hard enough, all of his troubles will go away and everything will suddenly be okay. In a few minutes he’ll wake up in bed—alone—and recall this admittedly very vivid dream and eventually store it in the back of his memory, never to be called forth again until his old and senile and the only things in his head will be lottery numbers, the war, and the distant recollection of a pretty blond boy named Joongie whom he saved in a dream once after nearly falling to his doom from a bridge.  
  
Right. He’s definitely not crazy.  
  
“You said you could prove it? Prove that you’re an angel?”  
  
Jaejoong nods, smile returning to his face. “I can.”  
  
Yunho scoffs. “Ever since you fell into my life you’ve insinuated some pretty crazy things but this takes the cake.”  
  
“I didn’t fall into your life; I fell from the sky.”  
  
“No, you fell from a bridge.”  
  
“After I fell from the sky.” Yunho glares at him, eyes unblinking, waiting for the moment when Jaejoong finally drops the act. “From up there,” he asks, jabbing a finger towards the ceiling.  
  
Jaejoong nods, hair flouncing from the motion. “Yes, that’s where I live.”  
  
“Well…that poses a problem.”  
  
“Why?” Jaejoong asks, his features turning confused.  
  
“Because I can’t take you back up there. Well, not like this I can’t.” It’s meant to be a joke of course. Yunho may have wanted to die yesterday but first off, he wouldn’t have gone to heaven had he actually succeeded and second, he’s not about to try killing himself again just so he can take this wannabe ‘angel’ back to heaven. He shakes his head and frowns to himself, feeling stupid for even thinking those thoughts.  
  
Across from his Jaejoong scowls, smile dropping from his face. “Don’t mock me like that. I’m an angel.”  
  
“An angel. Right.”  
  
“I  _am_! White wings and innocence and everything else,” he insists.  
  
“Wings? Really? Show them to me.”  
  
“I can’t just take out my wings!”  
  
“Why not? You said you could prove you’re an angel.” In all honesty Yunho is just humoring the boy now. Jaejoong looks, dare he say it, endearing the way his face scrunches up in frustration as Yunho insists he prove he really is an angel. Yunho doesn’t believe for a second Jaejoong can actually prove he’s an angel in any way but it’s a little interesting to egg Jaejoong on like this.  
  
He watches Jaejoong bite his bottom, worrying it in contemplation. “I…Well they won’t fit in the kitchen. And I’m only supposed to take them out when I…”  
  
“When you…? What?”  
  
“Well…when I need to do something,” he answers vaguely.  
  
“Something like what?”  
  
“Something like…something I can’t do without  _extra help_ ,” he whispers the last words. “Every piece of magic requires a token. Little things, usually just a feather from my wings. Bigger things need more feathers. And sometimes for something really big, I have to give something even more.”  
  
Yunho can do nothing but gape because honestly, this whole tale is getting way to elaborate for even him to admire. “You’ve put a lot of thought into your delusions, haven’t you?” he notes absently.  
  
“But it’s true!” He exhales sharply, an exasperated expression coming to his face. “Fine, here—” He stands suddenly, grabbing one of Yunho’s hands from his lap and tugging him up. Yunho doesn’t get a chance to even protest before Jaejoong is dragging him by the wrist back to Yunho’s bedroom. Once inside, he shuts the door and locks it, pushing Yunho back until he falls ungracefully onto his butt on the edge of the bed before throwing the blinds closed over the two windows of Yunho’s apartment. He doesn’t bother to turn on any lights, so the room remains dark, shadows playing on every empty wall and dancing across the carpeted floor.  
  
“Promise me you won’t tell anyone about this.”  
  
“I—”  
  
“ _Promise_. If anyone finds out I’ll be in a lot of trouble.”  
  
“I swear—” Jaejoong hisses before Yunho even finishes and quickly he amends, “I  _promise_  Jae. I won’t tell a soul.” He says it for two reasons; one, because now he knows for sure Jaejoong is crazy and doesn’t want to push him into doing something dangerous, like attacking Yunho for not believing him and two, because there is actually, insane as it may sound, a tiny part of him that thinks it believes Jaejoong. Just a tiny part. Small enough that it’s like that sliver of hope that always remains no matter how despairing a situation. So he sits quietly and waits and watches as Jaejoong slowly curls his fingers around the edge of his shirt.  
  
And he watches in silence as Jaejoong removes the shirt, revealing an expanse of pale, milky skin and a torso that’s skinny, a little bony, but still perfect in Yunho’s eyes.  
  
“Are you watching?” Jaejoong asks, which is a stupid question because  _of course_  Yunho is watching. If he were honest he’d admit he hadn’t been able to take his eyes off Jaejoong since the moment he jumped into the river to save him. No way is he looking away now of all times. So he just nods and hopes it’s enough, because Jaejoong suddenly looks unsure of himself.  
  
“This isn’t easy for me…please don’t laugh,” he pleads softly.  
  
“Kid, if you actually manage to make a pair of wings sprout from your back, trust me—I won’t be laughing.”  
  
Jaejoong nods but doesn’t say anything more. A look of intense concentration covers his face, eyes downcast before closing entirely. Yunho watches his entire body tense, shoulders stiff, back straighten almost painfully. He can see little tremors wracking Jaejoong’s body.   
  
He has to hand it to Jaejoong. He really looks like he believes he can make wings grow from his back. Yunho almost wishes he could have a little more faith in the kid but he can’t because it’d be pretty cruel to let him continue to delude himself. Yunho sighs and makes to stand up, ready to offer Jaejoong some consolation and understanding because it’s not his fault he’s human like everybody else in this miserable world. It’s not his fault at all and well, haven’t they already created a miracle? Haven’t they already kind of saved each other from the demons haunting them? Sure Yunho still has a few more to work through but in time—  
  
And that’s when Jaejoong suddenly has wings.  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
The tears in Yunho’s eyes blur his vision for only a moment before he blinks them back. He hasn’t cried in a long time and he isn’t about to start now just because… _just because…_  
  
“Oh God,” he whimpers. If he weren’t already sitting Yunho would have fallen down in a stupor. As it is, he can’t do anything but gape in astonishment.  
  
Jaejoong…God he actually has  _wings_ , large, glorious wings furling and unfurling from his back. Big, white, beautiful appendages curling outward, flapping slightly, covered in soft, down feathers that Yunho has a strange urge to rub his face in.   
  
He hasn’t even noticed yet the look on Jaejoong’s face, the look of accomplishment and pleasure, the soft look of adoration and happiness that makes him look that much more angelic. All Yunho sees is the wings. Each one extending out about 4 feet, shimmering even in the gloom of Yunho’s dark room. Jaejoong himself is positively glowing. It’s like the sun has just lit up in Yunho’s room, bright and strong and filling the entire tiny space with warmth.  
  
He doesn’t even realize he’s standing until he’s standing only a few inches from Jaejoong. Not meeting Jaejoong’s eyes, instead he’s still gazing at Jaejoong’s wings. This much closer to them, they look ethereal, shimmering. Just like in the kitchen, Jaejoong reaches up with his hand, curls his fingers around Yunho’s cheek and turns his head gently to face him. Their eyes meet. Jaejoong smiles. In that moment, Jaejoong’s flaxen locks of hair framing his face, his cheeks slightly pink, eyes understanding and expression open—in that moment Yunho realizes that  _this_  is truly perfection.  
  
One stray tear falls from his eye and dies as Jaejoong’s thumb catches it at his jaw. Yunho blinks several times, inhaling deeply, imagining he’s inhaling a piece of heaven itself.  
  
“Why?” he asks so softly he barely even hears himself.  
  
“Because it’s my job. Sometimes a human gets so down on himself that we have no choice but to intervene. I’m here to help you Yunho.”  
  
“But…why me?”  
  
“I can’t answer that. I can’t give you the answer you’re looking for—but Yunho,” he quickly says, before Yunho can interrupt, “Yunnie…you’re worth it. You don’t even know it but inside you’re so beautiful sometimes I can barely look at you. You’re heart is—” He cuts off. Yunho isn’t sure if it’s because he doesn’t know what to say or because he has too much to say.   
  
Jaejoong moves his hands until they’re curling into the fabric of Yunho’s shirt at his shoulders, burying his face into Yunho chest. He inhales deeply several times, his voice barely above a whisper when he finally says, “I can’t believe you almost threw this all away.”  
  
Maybe it’s the amount of hurt and sorrow Yunho hears in Jaejoong’s voice, but whatever it is, he feels guilt and shame like he’s never known them before churn in his stomach. At a loss for what to say and feeling like nothing he  _can_  say is good enough, Yunho simply settles for wrapping his arms around Jaejoong’s middle, holding him close.  
  
“I don’t feel very beautiful,” Yunho murmurs against Jaejoong’s hair, feeling like the words are so silly to say.  
  
“But you  _are_ —”  
  
“Maybe…but it’s the outside I have trouble with.”   
  
Yunho stifles his protest when Jaejoong pulls away, hands still on Yunho’s shoulders, Yunho’s fingers still curled into the skin at Jaejoong’s waist. “I can help you with that.”  
  
“How?”  
  
“Do you trust me?”  
  
“…No,” Yunho answers honestly.  
  
Jaejoong was most likely waiting for that answer, but he nods knowingly. “Have a little faith,” he implores.   
  
“All my faith drowned in that river when I jumped in after you last night.”  
  
“Then have strength, because I’m going to help you find yourself again.”  
  
Tongue in cheek and body suddenly limp, Yunho feels like everything is out of control. All he wants is some semblance of stability back in his life, some shred of control. “How do you know so many things about me?” he asks again. “All those things, about my photography and stuff. I never said anything about it to you.”  
  
“I know a lot of things about you, old man. Now…tell me you don’t want my help and I’ll leave you alone forever. You’ll never see me again.”  
  
“I don’t want you to leave.”  _Shit_ , Yunho can’t help but think. Why the hell did he say that? Maybe he  _doesn’t_ want Jaejoong to leave but it’s not something he should have ever said aloud.  
  
But the pleased smile Jaejoong gives him is more than enough to convince him it was worth it to say. Jaejoong doesn’t respond back, but there’s a look in his eyes that says he’s about to do something. Before Yunho can react, Jaejoong slides his arms around Yunho’s shoulders and tugs him down. Their faces still inches from one another’s. Yunho knows, knows like he knows his own name, that they’re going to kiss again.  
  
When they do, he has only a few seconds to enjoy the softness of Jaejoong’s lips, feel them soften and part beneath his mouth, before the world turns black and the world falls away.  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
It’s the excited trilling of a bullfinch that Yunho awakes to. It means it’s 1 o’clock. He hopes it’s the afternoon because damn would that suck if he passed out for nearly 15 hours, missing his job interview. Which—damn, he has a job interview in two hours and he feels like shit. He definitely hit drinks too hard last night, he thinks. His head is pounding, his muscles feel weak, and his face feels…different, in a way. Particularly his mouth, specifically his jaw and teeth. And his mind keeps replaying fuzzy images of a blond kid with white wings on his back claiming he’s an angel.  
  
Well, that part actually seems to be real, Yunho finds out soon enough. He opens his eyes and the first thing he sees is a pair of fluffy wings.   
  
Jaejoong is sitting on the edge of Yunho’s bed, back turned to the older man. His left wing is folded back but his right wing is curled out and held in Jaejoong’s hand. Though Yunho can’t see for sure, he can only imagine Jaejoong holding the tip of his wing gently in his hands, absently playing with the feathers as he sits and waits quietly for Yunho to wake up.  
  
“Hey kid,” Yunho whispers huskily. He clears his throat but it’s his mouth that still feels funny.  
  
Jaejoong spins around to face him, but makes no move to come any closer. “How do you feel?”  
  
“Weird,” he answers truthfully. “To be honest I was kinda hoping it had all been some wacky dream.”  
  
Jaejoong looks almost apologetic when he says, “You don’t have to lie to cover up your fear. It’s okay to be afraid.”  
  
“I’ve got nothing to be afraid of,” Yunho argues.  
  
“I know that. But that’s a rational explanation for an emotion that, more times than not, is irrational.”  
  
“You’d make a good shrink,” Yunho mutters under his breath, to which Jaejoong chuckles lightly. “And look at that, you don’t even have to pay me.”  
  
Yunho merely grunts and sits up shakily. “Ugh, why do I feel so— _holy shit_.” Eyes widening, he can do nothing but stare at his hands. He hears Jaejoong try to say something to him but he pays no attention to him, to focused on his hand…his arms…his whole body.  
  
“What the hell is going on?” He looks up and sees Jaejoong biting his bottom lip, but this time not bothering to answer. So Yunho looks down again and wonders if he really is going crazy because…well, that’s his hand and his fingers he’s wiggling but at the same time that  _isn’t_  his hand or his fingers. His hands and fingers are pudgy and thick, smooth, his thumbs and certain creases between fingers calloused from holding his camera.   
  
What he’s staring at are skinny, bony hands and fingers. His wrists are thin, his hands thinly veined and strong, his arms lightly muscled.  _Fit_.  
  
“Do you want to see?” Jaejoong asks hesitantly. Yunho looks up again and simply nods, not waiting for Jaejoong as he stands and all but runs to his bathroom. “Oh my god,” he mutters again, the moment he flips the light on and finds himself staring at his reflection in the mirror.  
  
Except that there’s no way that’s his face. He’s seen himself in the mirror plenty of times. More than enough times to know where the extra fat is in his cheeks, how his crooked teeth look nearly feral in his mouth, the way his hair spikes in different directions, untamable and beastly looking. He knows exactly what he looks like but the face in the mirror doesn’t look the way it should.  
  
In the mirror is the face of a man. Someone with high cheekbones, a strong jaw, definitely no extra fat anywhere on his face. The man in the mirror has perfect, white teeth and a sharp nose. His dark brown hair is styled, conditioned, soft and tamed.   
  
But when Yunho nervously reaches up to tentatively touch a lock of hair, it’s the man in the mirror whose hand mimics the motion. And when Yunho opens his mouth wide at the reflection, the man in the mirror does the same. When he cautiously lifts his shirt up he sees, in the mirror, the strong muscles cording his abdomen and chest.  
  
 _Who is this man?_  
  
“What did you do?” he chokes out when he finally notices Jaejoong standing in the doorway. Their eyes meet in the mirror, Jaejoong looking pleased with himself.  
  
“Do you like it?” he answers, ignoring Yunho’s question.  
  
“I…but how?  _Why?_ ”  
  
“Like I said old man, I can’t give you those kinds of answers. But I said I could help you. And I have. I’ve made you look on the outside exactly how you look on the inside.”  
  
“I…don’t understand.”  
  
“What you see in the mirror is exactly what I’ve always seen.”  
  
“In me?”  
  
Jaejoong nods. “And on the outside. You’re good looking whether you look on the inside or the outside.”  
  
“And how long will this last?” Yunho hesitates to ask, almost afraid that Jaejoong will take this back in a few minutes.  
  
“An hour, a day, a month—however long you’d like. Maybe until you grow old and your skin sallow or maybe until you get into an accident that scars your face and body forever. But you should realize something Yunnie. How amazing you look on the outside is ephemeral at best, nonexistent at worst. But the things that make you _you_ —your passion, your kindness, your determination—those qualities will stay with you for the rest of your life. Those things don’t change.”  
  
“Jaejoong…” Yunho turns and looks at Jaejoong in the flesh, needing to see the conviction in his eyes in person, not through the reflection in the mirror.  
  
“That’s the difference between your beauty and mine. Yours will never change, never deteriorate, never grow old and grey or decay and diminish with the passage of time. You’ve always been beautiful Yunho. And you’re always going to be this way.”  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
“I must admit Mr. Jung, I’m very impressed.” Yunho smiles, showing his newly acquired row of straight white teeth. “Thank you sir,” he replies.  
  
“Your portfolio shows you’re quite diverse. Everything from wedding photos to family portraits to nature scenes. You’re able to capture the beauty in every scene and bring it out. Every angle, every face, every facet of each picture is…quite stunning, I must say. I don’t think there’s a single bad photo to be seen here.”  
  
The bashful smile turns into a full out grin. “Again, thank you so much sir.”  
  
“I should be thanking  _you_. You’ll be a valuable asset to the team. At the moment our agency isn’t hiring on contract but by commission. However, with your talent, I have no doubt it won’t be long before we’ll be getting calls from clients requesting regular photoshoots.  
  
“I can’t put my finger on it Mr. Jung, but there’s just something about you. You’ve got…charm. Charisma. I can tell you’re gonna have all of our models in the palm of your hand in no time.”  
  
“I…I don’t know what to say sir. This is…an opportunity I hardly ever let myself dream about.”  
  
“Well, believe. Now, I’ll have to make some calls to our top our marketers and current projects, but I’m certain we can have you starting by…oh, end of next week probably. Once I get something definite from one of my managers I’ll contact you about your pay and schedule.”  
  
“I’ll be waiting for your call then,” Yunho responds, trying to keep the elation and excitement from bleeding into his voice. Yunho and his interviewer both stand, Yunho bowing lowly to the other before taking his offered hand in a firm shake.  
  
“Welcome to the team Mr. Jung.”  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
“So I take it your got the job?” Jaejoong asks when Yunho taps his shoulder. Jaejoong had insisted on coming with him to the job interview, had told him he’d  _be sitting right here on this bus bench waiting for you Yunnie. Go make me proud!_  
  
Yunho doesn’t answer, searching Jaejoong’s face for a full minute, his own face serious and solemn. Jaejoong’s smile disappears and he adopts a look of consolation, about to apologize for something that isn’t anywhere near his fault (because only thanks goes to him, Yunho thinks). That’s when Yunho lets his face split into an excited grin.  
  
“He said he’ll give me a call about my first commission,” he says simply and he hasn’t even finished speaking before Jaejoong throws his arms around Yunho’s shoulders, burying his face into Yunho’s neck.  
  
“Gosh old man, I’m so happy for you!” he murmurs passionately against Yunho’s skin.  
  
“It’s all thanks to you kid,” he replies, feeling just as emotional.   
  
“No Yunho, you’ve always had it in you.” Jaejoong’s words are so soft that Yunho doesn’t think he was even meant to hear them, having only just caught them because Jaejoong’s lips were so close to his ear.  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
To celebrate, Jaejoong tells Yunho he’ll cook them dinner.  
  
“No way,” he says firmly.  
  
“Why not? I’m a great cook—or at least, I was once.”  
  
“Yeah, that makes me feel real confident in your skills.”  
  
“Oh come on, it was one of my first jobs—a chef in some high end hotel kitchen. One of the bellhops was so depressed that in a few weeks he was going to host a shooting in the hotel lobby before offing himself.” Jaejoong shudders, the memories clearly horrific for him.  
  
“What happened?” Yunho asks, digging his hands into his slacks’ pockets, casting a short sideways glance in Jaejoong’s direction. He sees Jaejoong shrug noncommittally, no doubt not wanting to talk about it.  
  
“I almost didn’t save him. I mean, it was a tough job, really tough. I got kinda emotional too, since I was so young. It didn’t help that I knew the exact date and time he was supposed to…you know…and the pressure and fear really got to me. I was so,  _so_  scared I wasn’t going to be able to save him in time.”  
  
“But you did, right?”  
  
“Yeah. I suppose I did.” Haunted. That’s how Jaejoong’s voice sounds. Yunho decides not to push, even if he does really want to know what happened. It isn’t worth it, he tells himself. Satiating his own curiosity isn’t worth upsetting Jaejoong.  
  
“So where to for dinner then?” Jaejoong asks after a moment. Yunho feels him shiver next to him on the sidewalk. He’d given Jaejoong one of his old sweaters, but wishes now he’d given him something thicker. It was nearly 4:30 but already the evening chill is setting in.  
  
“Well, my budget isn’t really all that high right now so…”  
  
“Fast food I take it?”  
  
“Yeah,” Yunho says regretfully.   
  
“Great! I’ve been craving a hamburger for  _forever_! My last job had me working as a vegan construction worker—”  
  
Yunho grabs his wrist and halts him, tugging lightly on his wrist so they face each other. “Construction worker?” he asks, eyeing Jaejoong up and down in disbelief.  
  
Jaejoong grins. “Yeah. Don’t look so surprised old man. Each job requires a different ‘suit,’ so to speak.” Jaejoong turns to continue walking but Yunho continues to hold him back.  
  
“A  _vegan_  construction worker? Isn’t that mutually exclusive?” he asks, quirking one eyebrow.  
  
This time Jaejoong laughs. “Long story. Come on Yunnie, I’ll tell it to you over dinner.”


	4. Part IV - Je Pense que Je T’Aime: I Think I Love You

In the ensuing week that they spend together, Yunho learns a lot about Jaejoong and vice versa—though Jaejoong continues to insist he knows just about everything about Yunho already. They watch movies together in Yunho’s apartment, take long walks around the city, sleep a lot, talk a lot. They’re in each other’s presence almost 24/7 and while normally Yunho would begin to feel stifled by the constant contact, he finds himself enjoying it when it’s Jaejoong.  
  
Among the many things he learns about Jaejoong’s life as an angel, some things are more surprising than others. For one thing, Jaejoong normally is assigned older people, because he works a lot better with them than kids. With kids he gets too emotional, sometimes he gets messy. He usually deals with people who are suicidal and Yunho wonders how, when considering just how tragic some of his past missions have been, Jaejoong hasn’t gone completely insane yet.  
  
Maybe he has though. There are times when Jaejoong gets a look on his face that speaks volumes of the amount of pain he’s in. Perhaps not physical, but the emotional toll that his jobs have taken on him are outlined clearly in his eyes. He may wear a different ‘suit’ for each job, but the soul doesn’t lie, and the windows to Jaejoong’s soul are cracked enough for Yunho to see how hurt his soul truly is.  
  
Things are going really well for Yunho, as far as he’s concerned. Walking down the street, in the park, through the mall—he walks with a straighter back and more confidence in his step. When people turn to look at him he no longer feels the need to look away, to look down, to hide his face. He doesn’t feel like a freak when people stare too long. He doesn’t feel guilty anymore taking his camera out to the park to take pictures of the birds and the trees. It’s like, everything is suddenly falling into place now and it feels so  _good_.  
  
Everything is perfect until Jaejoong brings up the one thing sure to bring Yunho’s suddenly bright world back into darkness.  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
“Yunnie, don’t you think it’s time to call your parents?”  
  
His spoon stops midway to in its journey to his mouth. Yunho slowly puts it down back into his bowl of soup and casts a wary glance to Jaejoong sitting across from him at the table.  
  
“My parents?”  
  
Jaejoong nods. “Yeah. It’s been a long time since you last talked to them. Now that you’ve secured a good job for yourself—”  
  
“Not yet,” Yunho interrupts. “I’m not ready yet to talk to them.”  
  
“But—”  
  
“Jaejoong,” Yunho says sharply, stopping whatever Jaejoong meant to say. “I appreciate the concern okay? But I’m just not ready yet to talk to them.”  
  
“When will you be ready?” Jaejoong asks. Not harshly, but still firm.  
  
“I’ll be ready when I’m ready,” he answers shortly.  
  
“And when will  _that_  be?!”  
  
“Kid—”  
  
“What are you waiting for Yunho? For them to call you first? For you to feel like a success?  _When_  will you feel like a success? When you have more money? A girlfriend? A better apartment? An acceptance letter from a grad school?  _When?_ ”  
  
“Dammit!” Yunho slaps his open palms against his kitchen table, rattling dishes and plates but not caring. “ _Don’t_  talk to me like that. Don’t you dare make me sound like some ungrateful prick.”  
  
“That is the farthest thing I’m trying to make you out to be Yunho. All I’m asking you is when what you have will be enough for you to feel ready to talk to your parents. I just want to know what’s holding you back.”  
  
“I thought you knew everything about me,” Yunho mutters lowly.  
  
Across from him, Jaejoong scowls. “I know a lot about you Yunho but even I’m not a mind reader.”  
  
“Look just…just drop it,  _please_  Joongie. I’ll call them, I will, but not just yet. I need a little more time.”  
  
“For  _what_?” Jaejoong insists, though his voice is gentler this time.  
  
Yunho sighs, shoulders sagging. “Kid…when you gave me this face—this whole body—it really was like giving a suitcase of money to a drug addict. Some days I feel like I’m finally doing the right thing, and some days I feel like I’m taking advantage of myself, crazy as that sounds. I’ve thought about calling my parents and telling them what’s going on but I can’t just yet. I need to feel good enough about myself first. I need to know that the things I’m accomplishing with my life aren’t a result of the excitement and ambition that comes from having a handsome face.”  
  
“Just because I changed how you look on the outside doesn’t mean I changed anything on the inside. You’re still the same old man who jumped into a river and saved me.”  
  
“ _Exactly_. I’m still the same old me. And the old me was a loser. I had zero confidence in myself, I felt like a freak, my skin was too tight on my body. I was ambitious but lacked the motivation to take what I wanted. I was intelligent but I was stupid, and not clever or charming in any way. Look at me now Jae. Look at how I am now. How much of this new person is me and how much of it is the face you’ve given me?”  
  
By the time he finishes, Yunho sees Jaejoong simply gaping at him, no longer eating either. “You wanna know a secret Yunho? Something I learned from working with a lot of different people in all my jobs on earth?”  
  
“What.” It’s a statement more than a question; a demand more than a request for Jaejoong to continue.  
  
“People don’t change Yunho, not really. They just become more of who they really are. Just because you’ve changed as a person from last week to this, doesn’t mean you’ve changed who you truly are. You’re exactly the way you’re supposed to be.”  
  
“That sounds like a good excuse to give to criminals.”  
  
Jaejoong shakes his head. “It’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation. Sometimes good people do bad things. Sometimes bad people do good things. We are who we are. Trying to understand the nature of existence is a thing for the heavens, not for people like you and me. And we’re all different Yunho. We all change in different ways, at different degrees and different paces. Change is inevitable, inescapable. You should know though, that who  _you’re_  becoming isn’t someone bad. You can never be bad Yunho.”  
  
“Because I’m beautiful on the inside, yeah yeah, I’ve heard this all a dozen times from you Jaejoong.”  
  
Jaejoong frowns, clearly not happy with Yunho’s choice of words. “No, actually, I was going to say because you’re a good person. And yeah, it  _is_  the inherent goodness in you that makes you so beautiful. It makes you stunning. It makes you stand out. A shell is merely the cover that protects what’s on the inside. And shells can be misleading.”  
  
“Pretty people get away with doing shitty things,” Yunho agrees.  
  
“Exactly.” Jaejoong picks up his spoon and shovels more food in his mouth. After a moment he says, “Have you ever heard of Angel’s Trumpet?” Yunho shakes his head. “It’s a flower. Beautiful, soft. It’s alluring to would be predators because of its beauty. The flower goes by another name too though.” At Yunho’s questioning look, Jaejoong answers, “ _Devil’s_  Trumpet. You wanna know why? Because, beautiful as the flower is, it’s also poisonous, strong enough to kill. It’s been used in places like India and parts of Europe for centuries as a popular way of murder. And,” Jaejoong shoots Yunho a pointed look, “suicide. Which just goes to show—it’s what the eye  _can’t_  see that’s most dangerous.”  
  
They fall into silence after that, both finishing their dinner quietly. But long after they’ve both gone to bed, Jaejoong still on the couch and Yunho in his bedroom, Jaejoong’s words stay with Yunho, replaying over and over in his mind.  _What’s inside you that you find so dangerous, Jaejoong?_  Yunho can’t help but wonder to himself.  _What poison are you hiding away inside?_  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
Yunho stops paying attention to the movie they’re watching not long after the opening credits. It’s a boring crime film, filled with a lot of fighting and a complex, backward plot that really only makes sense to the detective trying to solve the case, and it doesn’t take long before Yunho completely loses interest.  
  
He finds himself watching Jaejoong instead. They’re spooning on the sofa, feet towards the TV, Jaejoong’s tiny back against Yunho’s chest. Yunho firmly stops himself from thinking about how wonderful it feels to have Jaejoong this close to him, nor does he allow himself to think about nice, how  _right_  it feels to have his arm wrapped around Jaejoong’s waist, holding him in a firm embrace. He can’t see Jaejoong’s face, not without scooting farther up the sofa, but from the way he tenses at the fight scenes and relaxes when no one important dies, Yunho can tell he’s way more into the movie than Yunho ever was.  
  
A strange thought comes to him as his eyes visually trace down Jaejoong’s arm, gazing absently at the sliver of skin exposed where Jaejoong’s shirt has ridden up.  
  
“Hey Jae?”  
  
“Hm?” Jaejoong hums distractedly.  
  
“Will you show me your wings again?” This gets Jaejoong’s attention. He stiffens immediately and Yunho really hopes he hasn’t put his foot in it again because the last thing he ever wants to do is offend or hurt Jaejoong.   
  
It’s been almost three weeks since the last time Yunho saw Jaejoong’s wings and he has to admit, he’s curious to see them again.   
  
“Why?” Jaejoong asks him, and it’s not a refusal, which gives Yunho a sudden surge of hope and excitement.   
  
“I…I dunno, I just really want to see them again. They were so…you know…nice and…pretty last time.”  
  
“You really want to see them, Yunnie?” Yunho nods his head, knowing Jaejoong can feel the motion against his back. After a moment, Jaejoong sits up slowly, disentangling himself from Yunho’s embrace. Yunho knows a moment of regret before he tramples it down, reminding himself he  _asked_  for this.   
  
Silently, Jaejoong stands, pausing the movie before turning to face Yunho. Just as before, he slowly slides his shirt off, exposing his chest. Yunho watches as he takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and just like that, the wings appear again behind him.  
  
But they’re different this time.   
  
Yunho feels a foreign, shocking ache shoot through him at the sight. What is this? he wonders. What happened? Maybe he asked that last part out loud because Jaejoong answers, “Remember what I said Yunnie. Every piece of magic I perform requires a token of repayment.”  
  
“Usually feathers from your wings,” Yunho says, remembering Jaejoong’s words. “I don’t understand though—I’ve barely seen you perform any magic these past few weeks but…your wings look so…so lifeless.” And they do. Where once they had been large and bright and beautiful, full of life, shimmering, filling the room with warmth, now they look like someone cruelly plucked the feathers from Jaejoong’s wings one by one. Feathers still cover each wing, but they’re almost grey now, completely lifeless, and the covering is thin at best, no more than a single layer of feathers anywhere. At some places the feathers are so thin Yunho can see the pink of Jaejoong’s wing.  
  
A sadness like he’s never known before consumes Yunho. He sits up and pulls Jaejoong to him, tugging at his wrist until Jaejoong finds himself sprawled across Yunho’s lap. Yunho guides his face to his shoulder, telling him tacitly to rest there. Yunho’s hands have a mind of their own as they first tentatively run across Jaejoong’s back before becoming bolder. They find home at the base of Jaejoong’s wings, rubbing gently, massaging the smaller boy in what is clearly a very sensitive place. Jaejoong moans aloud and fidgets in Yunho’s lap.  
  
“Yunnie,” he gasps, sounding more breathless the longer Yunho continues to rub at his back, his wings, caressing the large appendages tenderly.  
  
“Sh, Joongie. Just relax. I’ve got you Jae. I’ve got you.” Jaejoong nods silently, breathing evening out until finally going steady, and Yunho knows Jaejoong has fallen asleep under his care.  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
Two nights later Jaejoong asks him for something that, while initially takes Yunho by surprise, ultimately fills him with an inexplicable amount of excitement.   
  
“Yunnie, will you take pictures with me?”  
  
“Pictures?”  
  
Jaejoong nods. “Yeah, you know, with your camera and stuff.”  
  
“What kind of pictures?” Yunho can’t help but ask, curious and intrigued.  
  
“Make me your model,” Jaejoong answers with an excited smile.  
  
Yunho gives him a considering look before nodding, grinning and reaching over with the remote in his hand to mute the TV. “Okay,” he says, standing. “Just wait here, I need to get my camera.”  
  
When he comes back to the living room it’s to see Jaejoong sprawled over the couch, head on the armrest, right hand and right foot dangling delicately over the edge. He sends Yunho a look that can only be described as coy, beckoning him closer with his left hand and a playful smile.  
  
“What’re you doing?” Yunho asks as he slings the camera strap around his neck and turns it on, immediately fiddling with the settings.  
  
“Getting ready for you,” Jaejoong answers calmly.  
  
“Mhm, and why, pray tell, are you posing like that Joongie?”  
  
“Like what?”  
  
“Like a character straight out of the Titanic.”  
  
“She was pretty.”  
  
“So are you.” When Jaejoong doesn’t reply, Yunho pauses momentarily in the midst of his fiddling to look up. Jaejoong simply smiles and tells him with his eyes alone to hurry up.  
  
“Alright, you ready?” Jaejoong nods. “Make me look beautiful.”  
  
“You already are Jae,” Yunho notes absently. The moment he holds the camera up to his eye, everything else suddenly falls away. Nothing but the view seen through his camera; the world doesn’t exist beyond Jaejoong on the couch, beyond Yunho capturing Jaejoong on the couch.  
  
It isn’t long before Yunho falls into his photographer mode, giving Jaejoong directions, feeling pleased at how easily Jaejoong follows his commands. He tells Jaejoong to bend one knee, tilt his head  _just so_ , let his smile grow more natural. He tells Jaejoong to sit up, to accent the subtle smooth curves of his wrists and hips, to look down slightly and let his half-lidded eyes do all the talking for the picture.  
  
The minutes slip by as Yunho and Jaejoong move from the couch to the kitchen, Yunho taking pictures of Jaejoong fiddling with plates, pretending to clean, sitting at the table. He makes Jaejoong give him a myriad of different facial expressions, everything from innocent smiles to irritated scowls. Not that Yunho is biased, but he can’t help but feel that Jaejoong is one of the best models he’s worked with yet, and he’s worked with a respectable number of models by now at his job.  
  
It’s when Jaejoong stands at the kitchen table, improvising some moves himself, that the easy going atmosphere suddenly changes. Jaejoong is bent over the table, elbows resting on the wood and hips jutted out. He looks over his shoulder, letting his hair fall evenly around his face, and smiles to the camera with a smile that’s…dare Yunho say it,  _needy_ …wanting.  
  
“Jae…”  
  
“Yunho?” With a mind of their own Yunho’s legs take him closer to Jaejoong, hands taking the camera down from his face to gaze at him openly.  
  
“Are you…” He doesn’t really know what he’s asking but he’s so close to Jaejoong now. He takes the camera off his neck and sets it on the table, shivering when Jaejoong stands and not so accidentally brushes against him.  
  
“You  _are_ , aren’t you.”  
  
“Purposely tempting you? I’m an innocent angel, you’re the lecherous old man,” Jaejoong replies impishly, giving Yunho a tongue in cheek smirk.  
  
“Shut it kid,” Yunho breathes.  
  
Their mouths meet as one, a mutual decision to kiss. It’s been weeks since that time at night when Jaejoong had last kissed Yunho, but his lips are exactly the way Yunho remembers them. Soft and smooth, warm until Jaejoong’s mouth parts beneath Yunho’s and then searing when Yunho’s tongue slides inside and touches to Jaejoong’s.  
  
It’s not a completely conscious choice to push Jaejoong back against the table, settling his hands at Jaejoong’s hips and holding him close, but Jaejoong doesn’t protest, leans closer in fact, so Yunho does nothing but push closer. He angles his head and presses harder against Jaejoong’s lips, one hand reaching up to cup Jaejoong’s cheek, stroking it tenderly with the pad of his thumb.  
  
Jaejoong moans and at some point that neither are aware of, slings his hands around Yunho’s shoulders, playing with the short strands of hair at the nape of his neck. The kiss grows deeper, harder, more needy. Yunho’s hands slide beneath Jaejoong’s thighs and pull him to sit on the table. His legs instinctively open, letting Yunho settle between them, and he hooks his ankles around the back of Yunho’s thighs.  
  
“Yunho—” Jaejoong breaks off in a gasp as Yunho pulls away to bury his face in his neck. One hand feels around until it grips his camera. Jaejoong is too distracted to understand what Yunho plans to do.  
  
He holds the camera up, knowing Jaejoong must look positively beautiful with his mouth open and panting, cheeks flushed, eyes closed in pleasure as Yunho sucks and nips and bites at his neck. His finger finds the capture button and takes picture after picture of their kiss from that angle, hoping desperately that the pictures turn out well because Yunho wants nothing more than to capture this moment forever. Not just in his memory, not just in his heart. Pictures are worth a thousand words. These will be priceless.  
  
His lips grow softer against Jaejoong’s neck until they’re still, no longer kissing him. A song of their combined breathing begins, Jaejoong panting against Yunho’s ear. “Yunnie,” he whimpers. The sound goes straight to his heart and does strange things to it. He’s powerless against the pull of Jaejoong’s mouth—he doesn’t even try to fight it. Setting the camera down, he frames Jaejoong’s face with his hands and begins kissing him again.  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
They talk a walk, later than night. Yunho brings his camera and takes more pictures of Jaejoong, much to his embarrassment.  
  
“Yunho—stop it, put that away,” he whines as he tries to evade Yunho’s attempt at taking another round of pictures of him standing beside a street sign.  
  
“What can I say, you’re quite photogenic. It’s a privilege to photograph you.”  
  
“Perverted old man,” Jaejoong mumbles. Yunho hears it but it only causes his grin to grow, finally succumbing to Jaejoong’s wishes and letting his camera fall against his chest.  
  
When Yunho steps closer to Jaejoong, the younger man takes his hand in his, lacing their fingers together, and leads him down the sidewalk. “It’s chilly tonight,” Jaejoong notes.  
  
“Are you cold? I told you to take one of my jackets.” Beside him Jaejoong shrugs. “I’m okay. Worse comes to worst I use a little angel voodoo to warm myself up.”  
  
“‘Angel voodoo?’” Yunho laughs.  
  
“You know what I mean.”  
  
“Hm…no, I can’t say I do,” Yunho denies, leaning heavily against Jaejoong’s shoulder. The smaller man playfully pushes him away, trying to scowl and look irritated but failing. “Could this ‘angel voodoo’ be the same magic you’ve put me under?” Yunho teases.  
  
He feels Jaejoong tense. “Angels can’t control the heart,” Jaejoong says mysteriously.  
  
“You could control my heart. I gave it to you a long time ago.”  
  
Jaejoong freezes, coming to an abrupt halt and giving Yunho no choice but to stop as well. “Don’t say that,” he says to Yunho, voice suddenly devoid of any teasing.  
  
“Why not? It’s true.”  
  
“Yun—”  
  
“Please,” Yunho interrupts. “I know I’m not perfect but I…my feelings for you are more than I can ever put to words. You keep saying this,” he takes Jaejoong’s hand and puts it over his heart, “is beautiful, and maybe it is and I’ll just never see it the way you do, but more than anything else—it’s  _yours_. My heart, my everything—it’s all yours Jaejoong. I l—”  
  
“ _Don’t_!” Jaejoong says forcefully, pushing Yunho away though not unkindly. “Don’t say that,  _don’t_. I don’t want you to love me Yunho! The only thing I’ve ever wanted was for you to love  _yourself_.”  
  
“Look at me though—I  _do_  love myself, more than I ever did in the past at least. Maybe…maybe that’s why I’m your mission. Not because you had to save me, but because…I dunno, because you’re supposed to teach me about love. How to love others and not just feel indebted to them. How to love myself and not just feel guilty, or stupid and ugly and useless all the time.”  
  
“I haven’t done anything for you that you couldn’t do yourself,” Jaejoong insists.  
  
“You’ve taught me how to accept myself. People like me now, they pay attention to me. I’m not…”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I’m not a failure anymore.”  
  
“Yunho, nothing has changed except that you’re letting people see the real you now.”  
  
He hates that Jaejoong is trying so hard to trivialize everything he’s done for him. He hates that Jaejoong refuses to accept his gratitude, his appreciation—his love. “I don’t care what you say Jaejoong. I’ve changed—for the better. Or I’ve become a better me, a truer me. And maybe I could have done all this without you, maybe, but I never did. You were right Jae. You  _did_  save me that night at the bridge. We saved each other. Nothing makes sense in this crazy world but how I feel—it can’t be anything but love.”  
  
Jaejoong finally meets his eyes, his look open and afraid, but honest. “Love is like fear Yunnie,” he says quietly. “A rational explanation for something that makes us do irrational things.”  
  
“Do you love me?” He has to know. He has to know for certain. While it wouldn’t change how Yunho feels even if Jaejoong doesn’t feel the same, it  _would_  change where they go from here.   
  
But Jaejoong doesn’t get the chance to reply. He opens his mouth to speak but—  
  
“ _Yunho_?!”  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
“Oh my god Yunho—it’s been  _forever_!”  
  
Yunho spins around, only to find himself with an armful of girl—more specifically, with an armful of Ara. “Ara—what’re you doing here?” he asks, dumbfounded.  
  
She pulls back from her hurried embrace and gives him a grin before punching him in the shoulder. “Ass—You haven’t stopped by the store since the last time we talked which was, if I may remind you, nearly a month ago! What the hell have you been up to?”  
  
“I…I’ve just…you know…been around,” he says lamely.   
  
Seeing Ara for the first time in ages…it brings back all those feelings Yunho had felt being around her in the past. The softness of her face, the light dancing in her eyes, the excitement and beauty she exudes. She’s walking poetry and Yunho finds himself falling back on familiar feelings, wanting to wax poetic on the stunning girl that is Go Ara.  
  
Unable to help himself, Yunho smiles back. And then the smile widens even more until he’s showing his perfect teeth to her, grabbing her again and hugging her because he hadn’t realized how much he missed Ara until just now.  
  
“God Ara, it really has been forever. I’m so sorry for not stopping by sooner,” he apologizes when he pulls back.   
  
“It’s okay, you’ll just have to make it up to me by taking me out for lunch.”  
  
He throws his head to the side and lets out an amused laugh. “Of course, anything for you.” Knowing what he looks like now, perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect body, Yunho feels that much more confident talking to Ara. For the first time ever he feels like he’s actually in her league, like he actually has a chance with her. That maybe his onesided crush could develop into something deeper. “Whatever happened between you and Changmin?” he asks, needing to know if there really could be something between them now.  
  
The light in her eyes dims, but she’s still smiling as she answers, “It didn’t work out with him, we…wanted different things.” She turns away and adds, almost as an afterthought, “It was like we were from two different worlds.”  
  
And just like that reality comes crashing back.   
  
Yunho spins around, coming face to face with Jaejoong. The younger man’s face is completely devoid of any emotion, expression stony, eyes calm. A shudder races down Yunho’s spine at the sight. The lack of warmth, of expression, on Jaejoong’s face—he should never look so unemotional or uncaring.  
  
Yunho plasters on a fake smile, taking a step toward Jaejoong to wrap an arm around his shoulders and pull him forward gently. “Oh, Ara—this is Joongie,” he introduces.  
  
“Joongie?”  
  
“Jaejoong, I mean. He’s a friend of mine. We’ve gone through a lot together over the past few weeks.”  
  
Ara smiles at Jaejoong, the smile small but genuine. “It’s nice to meet you Jaejoong,” she says politely, bowing.  
  
Jaejoong bows slightly in return but gives nothing more than a nod in greeting. Yunho, sensing the coming awkward situation, quickly drops his arm and takes Jaejoong’s hand in his, ignoring the dual looks of surprise. “We—”  
  
“You know Yunho, there’s something different about you,” Ara suddenly says.  
  
 _The hair? The teeth? The better build?_  Yunho wonders. “What do you mean?”  
  
“It’s…I don’t know, I can’t quite put my finger on it but I think…it’s your charm. Yeah…and your confidence. You seem so much more sure of yourself.” Yunho tells himself it’s not disappointment settling itself in his stomach but it sure feels like it.  _Why? I’ve changed so much—how can you still not see me the way I want you to?_  “Well, whatever adventure you and Jaejoong have gone through recently, it’s done you a world of good.”  
  
“Is that all?” Yunho asks, before he can stop himself.  
  
“All…what?”  
  
“…Never mind Ara. Actually, Jaejoong and I need to get back, it’s getting late. We were just out taking a few pictures.”  
  
“Oh! Of course, sorry Yunho!” She pulls him into a brief hug, arms tight around Yunho’s back for the brief moment they hold each other before pulling away. “This time you better stop by the store, you hear me?! Don’t make me track you down mister!”  
  
“Never Ara! I promise, I’ll definitely be down at your store soon.”  
  
“You better be. It was nice meeting you Jaejoong,” she says, turning to Jaejoong. Jaejoong gives her a strained smile and a stiff nod, taking a small step back. At the tug on their hands, Yunho gives Ara one final goodbye before turning around and walking alongside Jaejoong, making their way back to Yunho’s apartment.  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
The first words Yunho says when they enter his apartment are probably not the best.   
  
“I don’t love her,” he tells Jaejoong, quietly closing the apartment door behind him and locking it.  
  
“I didn’t say anything.”  
  
“You don’t have to. Jae, please, listen to me. I don’t love her the way I love you. I don’t think I could love _anyone_  the way I love you.”  
  
Jaejoong walks toward the living room but doesn’t go inside, simply leans his shoulder against the doorframe and crosses his arms over his chest. He keeps his back facing Yunho, so Yunho has no way of gauging his emotions through his facial expressions. Though, judging by the tension in his back, he can take a guess on how Jaejoong feels.   
  
Yunho sighs, rubbing a tired hand over his face and taking a single step towards Jaejoong, but moving no closer. “Do you not want me loving you? Because if that’s the case, you should know that I can’t just stop. I can’t make these feelings go away.” Silence. “Will you say something?”  
  
“I don’t know what to say.”  
  
“Tell me what you’re thinking about then. You’re upset—is it because of Ara? I swe—I  _promise_  you Joongie, what I feel for her is nothing compared to what I feel for you.”  
  
“Then why…” Jaejoong breaks off to swallow thickly. “Why are you so upset with her lack of reaction when she finally saw you tonight?”  
  
It takes a moment for the words to really sink in. Even when they do, Yunho isn’t sure he understands exactly what Jaejoong is asking him. “Because I guess…” He breathes deeply, looking away from Jaejoong’s back to a spot on the wall. “I guess I was just hoping her feelings would change for me after she saw me again.”  
  
“People don’t change.”  
  
“ _I_  did.”  
  
He sees Jaejoong shake his head. “You learned to accept yourself. You changed how you approach yourself, how you let others see who you are. Deep down…” he trails off.  
  
Even though Jaejoong can’t see it, Yunho lets himself smile anyway. “Deep down I’m still an old man,” he finishes.  
  
“Every new day is going to change some part of you. An opinion, a behavior, a bad habit. It doesn’t mean Jung Yunho has changed into someone new, something different. It means you’ve changed further into  _you_.” Suddenly Jaejoong turns around, eyes bright as he asks, “Is that enough for you? To love yourself for who and what you are, not who you’ve been or who you might become—is that enough for you?”  
  
Is it? To be honest Yunho doesn’t know. He thinks about everything that’s happened to him—and Jaejoong—these past few weeks. He thinks about finally getting a job, finding passion in photography again, opening up to people, letting people in. The way the knot of guilt in his belly has loosened, and the way he no longer fears responsibility, or resents it but takes it maturely. He thinks about tomorrow, next week, next month, moments before his death. Nothing is written in stone. No path is already chosen. Nothing is expected of him, not really, aside from what he expects of himself.  
  
But he’s more open to all those things now, all these new possibilities. The freedom he feels, the exhilaration—it’s like tumbling down a hill. Jumping off a bridge. Strapping on a pair of wings and flying into the open sky. He’s opened his heart enough now that the unknown isn’t so terrifying anymore.   
  
 _Is it enough?_  
  
“Yeah,” he finally answers, closing the distance between himself and Jaejoong. “It’s enough. More than enough.”  
  
Jaejoong and Ara are very different, and not just in the obvious ways. Yunho thinks back on all the things he’s ever wanted to do with Ara, all the things he’s ever wanted to say. Tell her she’s beautiful. Hold her hand, caress her knuckles. Reach out and brush her hair back. Rub his thumb across her cheek, then lean in and take a gentle kiss from her.  
  
“You’re beautiful Joongie.” Yunho takes another step closer, dropping his voice to a hushed whisper. He takes Jaejoong’s hand in his, feels the softness of his fingers and knuckles before holding them up to his mouth. Their eyes never leave each other’s as Yunho presses a kiss to Jaejoong’s open palm, a kiss to every finger. “So beautiful.” He takes another step forward. “My angel,” he says reverently, tucking a lock of stray hair back behind Jaejoong’s ear. He lets his hand linger by Jaejoong’s cheek, feeling his heart flip when Jaejoong leans into the touch. “Jae…” he tenderly strokes his thumb across Jaejoong’s cheekbone, leaning in to steal another kiss.  
  
But Jaejoong stops him, holding two fingers against Yunho’s lips. “If you kiss me again, right here, right now…don’t stop. I don’t want you to stop this time Yunho. Show me it’s enough.”  
  
He searches Jaejoong’s face for any sign of hesitation, of fear, and sees nothing but anticipation, need, _desire_. Everything he knows is reflected to Jaejoong through his own eyes. “It will be.”  
  
And he seals the statement with a kiss.


	5. Part V - C’est le Coeur qui Sait: It’s the Heart that Knows

He only allows himself one gentle kiss before pulling away to take his camera off, leaving it on the kitchen counter.  
  
“Jae,” he starts, but has nothing more to say, not with words anyway. Jaejoong pulls him closer, eyes glistening when he hushes him and wraps his hands snugly around Yunho’s head. Their mouths meet again—and then again and again until Yunho finds himself losing all semblance of control, only too happy to give it up.  
  
He pushes Jaejoong up against the doorway, feeling every part of him, aligning their bodies. Jaejoong groans, the sound heady and intoxicating before Yunho swallows it up. His hands roam every inch of Jaejoong’s body, from his shoulders to his narrow hips, sliding behind him to touch the swell of his backside. He manages to slip his hands under Jaejoong shirt and lift it off of him, stepping back only then to admire Jaejoong’s body.  
  
He hasn’t changed at all since the last time he saw him like this. Yunho can see little tremors wracking his body. He licks his lips, eyes coming up to catch Jaejoong’s again for a moment, just to ask if this is still okay, then releasing a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding until just then when Jaejoong nods to him.  
  
“So beautiful,” he whispers, taking Jaejoong back into his arms. He captures Jaejoong’s mouth against his for more kisses, these warm and giving, not as passionate as the ones from before. He pays homage to Jaejoong’s mouth, licks and nips at his full lips until they’re both swollen and pink and slick with their combined spit. He can feel Jaejoong’s fingers curling against the fabric of his shirt, fingers tense as he whimpers from every swipe of Yunho’s tongue.  
  
“My first time is not going to be up against a wall old man,” Jaejoong says breathlessly when Yunho finally pulls away.  
  
“Are you sure you’re a virgin?” Yunho has to ask after Jaejoong skillfully hooks his legs around Yunho’s waist, depending on him to hold him up. He walks them toward his bedroom, hands tight as they splay across the small of Jaejoong’s back to keep him safe in his arms.  
  
“This suit is very much a virgin Yunnie,” Jaejoong confirms, dropping kitten kisses across his jaw.  
  
“So  _you’re_  not, just this body?”  
  
Mouth against Yunho’s ear, Jaejoong blows hot breath into it when he answers, “I am this body. And soon I’m going to be yours.”  
  
Yunho doesn’t bother to close the door behind him, letting the hall light spill into the dark room to light their way since he knows neither will be turning the lights on. He drops Jaejoong onto the middle of his bed, shucking his own shirt off and throwing it to the side.  
  
“You’ve always been mine,” he says, letting the arrogance bleed into his voice.  
  
“Very sure of yourself,” Jaejoong murmurs. His hands reach up, tugging at Yunho’s belt loops until he gets the idea and falls down atop Jaejoong on the bed.  
  
“You said it yourself angel. You said you’re mine,” he sits up and throws Jaejoong’s legs apart, “to do,” unbuttons and unzips his pants, sliding them down his legs, “what I want with.”  
  
He feels his breath catch at the sight before him after he drops Jaejoong’s jeans over the side of the bed. Miles of endless leg, soft and pale and sensually sliding around Yunho’s body meet his eyes. Jaejoong shoots him a coy look, biting his bottom lip and knowing exactly what the image does to Yunho.  
  
“Take your pants off too,” he commands. With some fiddling and maneuvering, Yunho manages to do so, removing his and Jaejoong’s underwear as well and leaving them both naked. He falls over Jaejoong’s body, faces inches from each other. They smile, not in any rush and letting themselves bask in the moment.  
  
“I love you,” Yunho breathes against Jaejoong’s mouth.   
  
“I…”  
  
“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it,” he interrupts, not wanting empty words. “It’s okay. I told you this is enough for me.”  
  
“This isn’t what I was talking about, and you know it.”  
  
“Yeah, I know. But right now I’m so in love with you that everything feels like it’s enough. Is that what love is supposed to do to you?”  
  
“It complicates everything.”  
  
“This seems very simple to me.” Yunho feels Jaejoong’s legs slide up and down his sides, eventually hooking his ankles together.   
  
“We’re very alike Yunnie. In more ways than you can even imagine. I wasn’t lying when I said you saved me that night on the bridge. At the time I fell, I told myself this was going to be my last job. I was going to end myself after this, regardless of how the mission went. I didn’t think I could keep doing this. Watching people change, find themselves, go from the lowest moments in their life to the happiness they’ve never known existed before. It’s…it’s a gratifying job, but it takes a toll on you.”  
  
“You…you were going to kill yourself?” Yunho chokes out. He doesn’t want to believe it, doesn’t want to hear these words. The idea of Jaejoong ending his life like that…it makes a cold feeling settle inside him.  
  
“Angels don’t exactly die. It’s complicated.”  
  
“Just tell me…what about right now? Do you still plan on killing yourself?” They both know what he’s really asking though.  _Are you going to leave me?_  
  
“That’s why I asked if what you have now is enough. Even if it’s not today, or tomorrow, or even next week, someday I’ll have to leave you Yunho. I can’t stay here.”  
  
“…I can’t give you that answer yet Jae. I don’t know if this is enough. But I do know it’s worth it. A life unloved is a life unlived.”  
  
“ _Yunho_.” Before he can say anything, Jaejoong crushes their mouths together, the kiss fierce and desperate, like a clash of two melodies. “ _I love you_ ,” he hears, but he doesn’t know if he hears it through his mind or through his ears, knows he has it in his heart though and he realizes that yeah, he does have an answer to Jaejoong’s question.  
  
 _It’s enough Jaejoong. You’re enough for me._  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
Jaejoong’s wings flutter open in the midst of Yunho sinking into him for the first time. He arches up in a strangled cry, one that’s mostly pleasure rather than pain and just then, his wings spring forth. Startled, Yunho accidentally slides in all the way in one easy stroke. Jaejoong’s body jerks, a strangled gasp escaping as his teeth sink into Yunho’s shoulder to keep from crying out.  
  
“Sh, oh god Jae, I’m so sorry, hush baby, I’m here,” he mumbles nonsensical, loving, comforting things into Jaejoong’s ear, brushing tendrils of sweaty hair back from his eyes and forehead. In order to keep from crushing Jaejoong’s wings, he sits up and brings Jaejoong up with him, letting him wrap his legs around him. Jaejoong rests his forehead against Yunho’s shoulder, breathing heavily.  
  
“I could…” he starts to say after a moment.  
  
“What was that?”  
  
“I could…make the pain go away…with some of my angel voodoo,” he jokes, laughing breathlessly. Yunho smiles into his hair, kissing the side of his head. “But I won’t. I want the full experience,” he mumbles.  
  
“I love you,” Yunho repeats. He feels like he could say it every few minutes and never grow tired of speaking the words.  
  
Jaejoong nods, sliding warm, heavy hands up and down Yunho’s back. Wordlessly he lifts himself up, shuddering at the friction of Yunho’s thick length moving inside him. Yunho’s hands rub over his back, at the base of his wings, tangle strong fingers into the downy feathers on his wings.  
  
“Go slow,” he whispers. “There’s no rush.”   
  
Slowly, almost painfully so, Jaejoong sinks down again, throwing his head back at the slow penetration. He breathes in deeply before raising himself and starting again. The rhythm he sets is almost unbearably slow for Yunho, but he bites his tongue and tightens his arms, letting Jaejoong have all the control.  
  
When Jaejoong’s hips begin to move more quickly, taking him in deeper, only then does Yunho begin to move with him, bucking up and pulling low moans from them both. Sweat and Jaejoong’s earlier release from Yunho’s mouth smooths the way for them, making it easier to move as one.  
  
“I love you so much,” Yunho declares for the nth time against Jaejoong’s ear. “And I will never stop. Not even when you leave me. This heart belongs to you Jaejoong. I belong to you. Forever, my angel—”  
  
“ _Yunho_ —!” Jaejoong all but screams as he finds his release, dirtying their bodies with the evidence of their joining. It isn’t long before Yunho growls, falling back and moving Jaejoong’s boneless, sated body up and down over him himself, holding the swell of Jaejoong butt cheeks and letting the flesh spill into the spaces between his fingers as he moves him. Jaejoong whimpers and moans, coming undone above him as he lets Yunho devour him. His wings cover them, soft and wide as they lay limp on either side of the bed, twitching only when Yunho moves Jaejoong up and down over him.  
  
When Yunho finally comes, spilling long and deeply into Jaejoong’s body for the first time, he can’t help but think that this is what heaven must be like. Nothing can compare to this, he thinks, because nothing can compare to love.  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
Jaejoong looks, dare he say it, like an angel when he sleeps. His face relaxed, his shoulders lost of all tension and stress. Yunho feels a strange sense of pride knowing he’s the one who exhausted Jaejoong enough to put him in this state.  
  
He brushes his hair back, twirling a lock of hair around his finger and letting it spring free. Jaejoong unconsciously turns his head away and ends up nuzzling closer to Yunho’s chest. Yunho cups his face in the palm of his hand and kisses his cheek, dropping a light, butterfly kiss on his lips, before trailing his hand down Jaejoong’s arm and eventually lacing their fingers together.  
  
He drops one more kiss to Jaejoong’s forehead before carefully sitting up, being careful not to wake the younger boy. Swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, he stretches his arms until he he hears—and feels—the joints crack and he’s left with a pleasant ache.   
  
He only bothers with his boxers to cover himself before making his way back into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water.  
  
This must be what love is, he thinks to himself, unable to keep the smile off his face as he replaces the half empty bottle back into the fridge. This feeling of contentment, euphoria. Nothing seems out of reach, everything—every color, every feeling, every sight and sound—all seems to be experienced more vividly. He feels like he’s been reborn.  
  
When he thinks about how he felt only last month, before he met Jaejoong, it makes him wonder how he could have ever let himself be put in that kind of situation. That amount of misery. How did it not kill him?  
  
 _It almost did_ , he reminds himself. I nearly killed myself because of how bad it was.  
  
He catches a faint reflection of himself in one of his picture frames, the kitchen light hitting the glass in just the right angle for him to see himself now. How he had always dreamed of looking. How handsome he is.  _No wonder Jaejoong fell in love with me._  The thought comes before he can stop himself and immediately he feels ashamed for thinking like that. Because he knows, he truly knows now, that it was never his face Jaejoong fell for.   
  
 _He fell in love with me for who I am. Not how I look._  It fills him with a sense of regret that it took so long for him to understand this. It took so long for him to realize that it was always him who’d been the shallow one. But he’s changed now, he knows that, because everything he is is enough for him.  
  
Catching sight of his camera on the counter, he finds himself picking it up and turning it on. He’s filled with a sudden need to see all the pictures he took that night. To see Jaejoong’s beauty in captured motion.  
  
Picture after picture he sorts through, feeling like he’s falling in love with Jaejoong all over again as he gazes adoringly at his face in the camera. That feeling of happiness and love increases and grows bigger, brighter, more more more—  
  
Until one picture. He freezes on it, feeling like the world has suddenly stopped, like someone pulled the ground out from beneath his feet.  
  
 _What the hell?!_  
  
He skips to the next picture. The the next, and the next, and the next. Everyone showing the same thing.  
  
There’s Jaejoong, looking radiant as ever with Yunho holding him on the kitchen table. And there’s Yunho, kissing his neck, his lips, his cheeks, smiling into the camera together. But the Yunho in the picture is not the Yunho that has been staring back at him in the mirror for the past month. The Yunho in the pictures on his camera is the spiky-haired, crooked-toothed, puffy-cheeked Yunho from last month ago, from before Jaejoong and he met.  
  
This doesn’t make any sense. He tells himself there must be a mistake, but picture after picture tells him it’s not, because there’s no way all 36 shots of him and Jaejoong together like this are a mistake. There has to be an explanation. There has to be a reason why Yunho doesn’t look…why he looks like he…  
  
“Jaejoong!” he calls out, not caring that he’s waking the younger boy up. No answer comes but Yunho hadn’t really expected one. He makes his way back to the bedroom, carrying the camera still. “Kid, there’s something weird going on. Kid? Hey—Jaejoong—”   
  
He finds Jaejoong standing in the middle of his bedroom, still completely naked, nothing but his wings spread out behind him and a heartbroken look on his face.  
  
“Jae? What’s going on? Look at these pictures—why do I look like I—”  
  
“I knew you’d save me Yunho.”  
  
He has to admit he’s taken aback by Jaejoong’s statement. “What?” he asks, confused.  
  
“Do you remember what I said to you? After you pulled me out of the water?”  
  
“Yeah—you said you knew I’d save you.”  
  
“And after that I said that was a good thing, because otherwise we’d both be dead.”  
  
“Yeah? So?” Yunho doesn’t understand where Jaejoong is going with this, but whatever he’s leading up to can’t be good, he realizes, because Jaejoong looks completely solemn and maybe even a little…scared?  
  
“Do you remember when I showed you my wings for the first time? I told you about how sometimes angels intervene in humans’ lives, that it’s our job. And you asked me why you, why I was assigned to you.”  
  
“Well, not in so many words, but I guess—”  
  
“I told you I couldn’t answer that question.”  
  
Yunho inhales deeply, feeling more and more confused as the conversation goes on. “I figured you just didn’t know. Jae—I really don’t get where you’re going with this…”  
  
“I couldn’t tell you because I knew it would change how you saw me. It would change everything we’d been building between ourselves up until then.” He takes a tentative step towards Yunho and stops again, looking hesitant and more fearful than before. “I was…never ‘assigned’ to you Yunho. No one was.”  
  
“…”  
  
“A few hours ago, when I told you yours was the last mission I was going to do before killing myself…it wasn’t the whole truth. I  _was_  planning to kill myself but like I said, angels don’t really die. In order to give up this job, to stop being an angel and return to earth, the only way I could do it was to exhaust myself. Every bit of magic I perform requires a token, usually just feathers. Normally when I return from a job I have my wings checked, and then I have to wait until I’m strong enough to do another job. But after my last mission I just—I realized I could keep doing this—”  
  
“Jae—”   
  
Yunho sees silent tears sliding down Jaejoong’s cheeks, the younger boy not bothering to wipe them away. “—And then I saw you, standing on that bridge. You were…you were so beautiful, so  _good_ —I could see it all inside of you even from so far away. And I saw you on that bridge about to kill yourself, your soul crying out that you’d been abandoned and you were ready to abandon yourself and I just—lords, I panicked!” He wrings his hands in front of him, wings twitching nervously, eyes showing such distress that Yunho wants nothing more than to take him in his arms again and tell him everything will be okay.  
  
“So I thought, this is my chance. No one was assigned to you Yunnie because you  _were_  supposed to die that day on the bridge. But I couldn’t let you. I couldn’t let you die just like that. So I decided to try to save you, knowing that by the end of the job I’d use the last of my energy to complete it.   
  
“In the pictures Yunho, the reason why you don’t see yourself with your perfect teeth or nice hair is because I never changed you physically. In the past few weeks, no one has ever seen you the way you think you look. Only you see yourself that way.”  
  
Yunho’s hands fall limp at his side, the camera slipping from his hand to the carpet. “I never changed…?”  
  
Jaejoong shakes his head, eyes glistening with unshed tears. “I could have…changed you to look like that to everyone else. I know I could have but I didn’t because that’s not what you needed. What you needed was confidence in yourself. You needed to feel good about yourself. You were so preoccupied with your looks though that you prevented yourself from caring about what really mattered. Who you are on the inside. I thought—I thought if I could get rid of that obstacle, if I made you look good, you could see just how charming and charismatic you truly are.”  
  
“So…the job…and the new friends…Ara…all that happened with me looking like…”  
  
Jaejoong nods, breaking their gaze to stare at the carpet. “That’s why I’m so weak now Yunnie. I was using a little magic every moment you were awake to make you see yourself the way you did rather than using a lot of magic once, to change you entirely. It took more strength that way, but it worked.  
  
“The moment you said  _it’s enough_  tonight, that’s when I knew. My mission is done.”  
  
“What does that mean then? You’re going to die?”  
  
Neither realize when it happens but suddenly the distance between them disappears. It gets smaller and smaller until Jaejoong is only an arm’s length away from Yunho, and the older man has to resist the urge to pull him into his arms and never let him go.  
  
“I have one more thing to do and then I have to leave.”  
  
“You don’t have to!” Yunho blurts out before he can stop himself. “You don’t have to leave…me. I…I’m not mad, honest Jae—please,  _please_  just—just don’t leave me…” His voice grows lower and lower, more desperate, more heartbroken. By the end of it he knows he’s doing nothing but begging Jaejoong to stay but he doesn’t even care. If he has to, he’s prepared to get on his knees right there and beg him.  
  
“I’m sorry Yunho—” Jaejoong barely finishes before he throws his arms around Yunho’s shoulders, legs wrapping around Yunho’s waist in a tight hold. Their mouths crash together almost violently, Yunho gripping Jaejoong’s hips and thighs almost painfully. It’s as though they’re trying to sink into each other’s very bodies, each hot and hungry and aching all over with the need to never separate.   
  
Tears and spit and words of love mingle between their mouths as they devour each other, both crying silently for what they know will never last. It’s an irrational thing, kissing like this and tumbling onto the bed again, slipping into Jaejoong’s body again, taking them both to heights of pleasure he fears they’ll never get to know again. All of this is irrational—every whispered word, every touch, every caress, every thrust, every feeling they’re trying to hold onto. It’s crazy, it’s irrational—it’s love. It’s the only rational explanation for something so very, very irrational. And the part that hurts Yunho the most is that by the end of all of this, he knows one thing to be true—  
  
It’s still worth it. It’s still enough.  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
At two in the afternoon Yunho hears the sound of a tiny parakeet singing in his room. It’s not his favorite bird call but he does find it to be one of the sweetest. The moment his eyes open he feels disorientated and a splitting headache torturing him. The world is blurry and his vision hazy.  
  
He sits up slowly. At first he has to struggle just remembering his own name, let alone anything that’s going on. But as the minutes slip by, memory after memory comes back to him. The bridge. The suicide attempt. The new face. The job.  _Jaejoong_.  
  
He looks around the room. His sheets are a rumpled mess. The sunlight filtering in from his window is vengeful. He turns to his side, feeling his stomach drop at the empty space beside him. There’s nothing left for him to do, nothing left he  _wants_  to do, so he succumbs and gathers the closest pillow and buries his face into it to muffle the sound of his sobs. He hasn’t cried in a long,  _long_  time. Not like this. It’s been so long that this feeling of sorrow and hurt hit him like a foreign thing, like a blow to the head—or more appropriately, a blow to the heart. The heartache of knowing Jaejoong is gone…he wonders how long it’s going to take to get over it. And then he realizes he probably never will.  
  
His cell phone clatters loudly on his bedside table as it vibrates, alerting him of an incoming call. Not bothering to check the ID, he answers the call.   
  
“H-Hello?” he asks, voice hoarse.  
  
“Yunho? Are you okay? You sound awful.”  
  
 _Mom?!_  Yunho nearly drops the phone at the sound of his mother’s voice. As it is, he pulls the device away from his ear and checks the screen, confirming that it really is his mom on the line.  
  
“Mom?! Is that you?” he asks anyway, knowing he must sound silly.  
  
“Yes, it’s me—Yunho, honey, you really don’t sound well, are you sick?”  _She calls me for the first time in nearly a month—how can she sound like nothing has happened?_  “Yun, if you’re sick you don’t have to come tonight honey. I don’t want you driving all the way out here when you’re not feeling well.”  
  
“Drive? You mean…to your place?”  
  
“Well of course, family dinner—don’t try to tell me you forgot Yunho, we’ve been having these family dinners for years!”  
  
 _Family dinner?!_  “Today’s Sunday…”  
  
“Yes…?” The way she says it is more a question than a statement.  
  
Something settles in Yunho’s stomach then. Something close to hope. Something close to excitement. And fear. Anxiety. Something frightening in its intensity, frightening his attempt to trample it down. “What’s today’s date?” he asks, holding his breath as his mother answers. Before she even finishes answering, Yunho finds himself collapsing back in shock.   
  
One month. It’s one month earlier. That means none of it ever happened. Not the bridge, the suicide attempt, the new face, the job… _Jaejoong_. That means there are no pictures in his camera, no job waiting for him tomorrow, no Jaejoong to kiss up against the wall or exchange playful banter with or to hold hands with walking down the street.  
  
All he has are memories.  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
He has his confidence still too. And his charm. His good heart. The Monday after waking up Yunho gets a haircut—styled exactly the way he had been seeing it in the mirror for a month. He schedules dental appointments and over the next month and a half gets his teeth straightened. By the end of it, by the time his mouth is full of shiny porcelain vaneers, his jaw and gums and entire mouth aches so much some days he can barely get out of bed but he does, if for no other reason than because he needs to get to the photography studio—where he got a job working as a freelance photographer for family and special occasion portraits. He changes his diet and begins working out four times a week. Loses nearly 30 pounds and tones his arms.  
  
His new looks coupled with his confidence and charisma have Ara asking him out a month after dumping Changmin. Yunho knows, the moment she smiles at him and asks him to dinner—a  _date_  date—that he should say yes because at one point he loved Ara more than he loved himself. But that was then and this is now.   
  
Now Yunho has closed his heart to new love—not in a jaded way, but in a way that allows him to remember and relish in the memories he made with Jaejoong. In his heart there’s only the blond angel who fell into his life—even if it may have never happened for real.  
  
So he tells Ara that he’s flattered and would love to,  _but friendship is all I think we can ever have_. And that’s that.  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
In the four months that have passed since Yunho’s ‘rebirth,’ as he likes to call it, a lot of things have changed. But not him, not really. The things Jaejoong taught him in their time together endured the test of time. Those things have stayed with Yunho. He remembers every piece of advice, every look and gentle touch that taught him more about love and acceptance than anything else in his life, ever.  
  
The morning Yunho gets his first letter back from a school he’d applied to, Yunho keeps it on his kitchen table all day after bringing the mail in. It’s a Tuesday. He picks up his dry cleaning and comes home, hooks it up in his closet, takes his shoes off and coat off and when he sees the letter still sitting on his table, he finally gathers the courage to open it.  
  
It’s thick. It’s cold, a little dirty. The seal comes off easily enough. He only has to read the first line to know that he’s gotten his first acceptance for grad school and it’s like the final piece of a puzzle has been put into its place. He sits at the table for several long minutes in total silence. He should call his parents and tell them, but he doesn’t, not just yet anyway.  
  
It’s strange, actually. One minute he’s still sitting silently at his kitchen table, the next thing he knows he’s on the sidewalk, walking walking walking. He still doesn’t have a car but it’s not too chilly out and the fresh air feels amazing against his skin.  
  
Nearly an hour he walks and it almost surprises him, almost, but not quite, when he finds himself at The Bridge. The same bridge from his memories, from his dreams. The bridge he nearly killed himself jumping off of.  
  
He checks both sides behind him, seeing no one around him except a few passing cars, before shrugging his coat off. The path is a familiar one as he climbs over the gates and finds himself hanging in the exact same position as from his memories, arms outstretched at his sides, holding him up.   
  
He stares out across the river, seeing the moon hanging heavy and swollen in the sky, an array of winking stars surrounding it. The air is colder here, the breeze sharper, less forgiving. He can hear the rush of the water beneath him, the steady traffic sounds behind him. What was it he’d asked himself the first time?  _Is this worth it? Is this what you want?_  
  
To jump? To die?  _To be with Jaejoong?_  The last one is worth it. He feels the truth of it in his heart. He feels it so strongly that he glances to his left, almost expecting Jaejoong to be there. He isn’t.  
  
 _I could do it. I could still end it. It would be so easy. But would I see you, Jaejoong? Will I ever see you again? Are you thinking about me the way I think about you? Do you ache the way I do? I would do anything to hold you again Joongie. You promised me you were mine, and that I could do anything I want with you. I’m holding you to that._  
  
And so he jumps.  
  
Just before Yunho hits the water he thinks about Jaejoong one last time. Jaejoong and his beautiful, kind heart. His understanding. His compassion. His sarcastic remarks. Just before Yunho hits the water, he swears he hears the flutter of wings; he swears he feels the warmth of an angel’s arms embrace him; he swear he hears a question of if this is worth it, worth it to die for—  
  
And the answer is still yes.  _Always._  
  
& ( ♥ ) &  
  
“I really hope you jumped for the thrill and not to end your life,” Yunho hears muttered lowly.   
  
Pain. Cold. Darkness. He’s not aware of much but feelings creep up on him. His arms and legs feel stiff. His whole body feels heavy, especially his head which is pounding something fierce. Opening his eyes is a struggle but he finally manages, for no other reason than because that voice he hears, still muttering, is so familiar and so beautiful it can’t be anything  _but_  him. It can’t be.  
  
He groans and blinks up at the ceiling, struggling to sit up. Immediately hands shoot out and help him, holding his head and behind his shoulders and helping him sit up.  
  
“Sir? Can you hear me?” His head turns and just… _Oh gods it’s him…it’s really Jaejoong…_  He feels the tear slide down his cheek and makes no move to wipe it away. “Oh dear, you must be in quite a bit of pain. Can you tell me how you feel?”  
  
“J-Joong—”  
  
“Sh, sh, wait—here lemme get you some water before you try to speak.” It’s only then that Yunho looks around and realizes he’s sitting up in a hospital bed. Which means his not-suicide attempt failed—again. Though admittedly it’s nothing to cry about, since Yunho hadn’t actually been looking to die.   
  
Jaejoong returns holding a Styrofoam cup of water, holding it up to Yunho’s mouth and helping him drink it. As he tilts his head back to drink, Yunho finally gets a good look at Jaejoong’s attire. Curiously enough he’s wearing the same scrubs as a hospital nurse.   
  
When he finishes the water, Jaejoong places it on the bedside table. Yunho isn’t sure what he’s about to do, but before he can move to do anything, he grabs Jaejoong’s wrist gently, holding him back.  
  
“Jaejoong…” he says softly, not knowing yet what else he wants to say but wanting to say  _so much_.  
  
Jaejoong looks confused for a moment before looking down at his chest. Yunho follows where he’s looking and sees his nametag. “I’m nurse Kim, that’s right,” Jaejoong says.  
  
“Nurse…?”  
  
“Yup, been a nurse here for nearly four months.”  
  
“Four months, huh? You remind me of someone I know,” Yunho says, catching Jaejoong’s eye. The other man gives a small smile, cheeks curiously turning a shade of pink.  
  
“I don’t think we’ve met before, Mr. Jung,” he says.  
  
Yunho simply smiles, closing his eyes against the harsh hospital light. He murmurs, “You never forget the face of your savior.”  
  
“Actually, it was a young woman who saved you sir. I’m not sure how much you remember at this time, but you nearly drowned after jumping off a bridge. A woman saw you jump and jumped in after you. She pulled you to shore and called emergency services. You can thank her when you wake up. I’m sure you’re still feeling a little tired.”  
  
“A woman?” Yunho asks, eyes still closed. He can picture Jaejoong nodding though. “Yup. She’s waiting outside actually. I can always bring her in for a few minutes if you want to thank her now for saving your life.”  
  
“She didn’t save me,” Yunho says, adding “an angel did.”  
  
“An angel?” He hears the curiosity in the nurse’s voice and can’t resist saying, “Yeah. Blond little angel. White wings, innocence, angel voodoo. In my opinion, he was kinda crazy.”  
  
“Oh? How so?” Yunho knows Jaejoong is just humoring him, will probably tell the doctor later that patient Jung Yunho needs to see a shrink as soon as possible, but just hearing Jaejoong’s voice fills his heart with warmth, enough to say, “He was really irrational. Kept saying all this stuff about inner beauty and inherent goodness. If you ask me…”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I think he was a little in love with me.” Jaejoong pulls his hand free and a few minutes later, Yunho distantly realizes he’s left. Just before he succumbs to the welcoming bliss of sleep though, he thinks to himself,  _It’s okay though Joongie. I was a little in love with you too. And nearly dying again? Was totally worth it._


End file.
